


This Moment

by ticklishblaine (lightsandsparks)



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, CrissColfer Big Bang, Depression, Descriptions of Alcohol, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, past emotional abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 16:46:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 42,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5012236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightsandsparks/pseuds/ticklishblaine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As struggling actors, Chris and Darren meet in Los Angeles, a town where the only people they can relate to are each other. Although they both know that they’re destined for something more, what happens when only one of them plans on pursuing their dream? Will the other get left behind?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I never would have even considered writing this fic, or most likely would have stopped writing it halfway through, if not for my incredible beta [Sarah](http://archiveofourown.org/users/lovetheblazer/works), who has been nothing but encouraging and patient with me as I've tried to throw this thing together for the past seven months. You are an absolute gift, Sarah. Thank you so much for everything. Also, a special thanks to [Mandy](http://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/works?fandom_id=78116) who helped her convince me to sign up in the first place, [Lindsey](http://archiveofourown.org/users/controlofwhatido/works?fandom_id=78116) for busting her ass to ensure that the CCBB goes smoothly, and of course, all of my friends who have word warred with me over the past few months. You are all wonderful <3
> 
> Also, [here is the absolutely gorgeous fanart](http://honeyblaine.tumblr.com/post/131311527343/as-struggling-actors-chris-and-darren-meet-in-los), created by the extremely talented Val, to go along with the fic. Be sure to let her know how much you love it!

Darren was nervous. 

This was his first “real” acting job, and was determined not to screw it up. He was more than just “Extra #204” this time - he had a title with actual lines and even real scene direction other than “seem excited” or “look somber”. He was probably even going to get a close-up which prompted the shaving he subjected himself to this morning and slightly-more-than-average amount of attention to his hair. Even now that it was shorter, it was still a pain in the ass.

Moving out to LA after college was a last minute decision that Darren had tried not to think too hard about. Joey, his best friend whom he’d met at Michigan, had been talking about it since the very first day they met. Darren had been hesitant, but he wasn’t about to leave the best friend he’d ever had behind. Besides, it’s not like he had other post-graduate plans. LA was supposed to be the Mecca of acting jobs and he was an actor, right? Well, that’s what his degree said... so he was sticking to it.

It took two years, but Darren was finally starting to realize that perhaps LA wasn’t the goldmine that he’d originally been promised. For every struggling actor, there were about 500 more struggling actors with resumes five pages longer than his. Actors who were taller or more handsome or better-built or about a hundred different adjectives that Darren just knew he intrinsically didn’t live up to.

He shook his head to clear himself of those thoughts. He had a job now. A small one, yes. One that only required about two working days, but still. It was money, and that was something that he was kind of desperately in need of right now.

As it turned out, the initial process was a lot less exciting than he hoped. He’d been hastily given the script with his relevant lines marked off and then told that his scene number would be called out over a loudspeaker when it was time for him to film the scene. At least it was gorgeous out as per usual; LA did have a lot of perks in that department. Plus, they were filming in a huge field, so Darren had absolutely no qualms about just flopping down in the grass and catching some sun while he went over the script and studied his lines.

As it turned out this took all of five minutes. Which was fine because that gave him time to read the rest of the script. Which took him all of an hour. Which was fine because that gave him a chance to people watch, one of his favorite activities, especially in crowds such as this one. The acting-hopefuls of LA were an interesting bunch, to say the least. Darren put his sunglasses back on his face and and sat up, scanning the field for something to catch his eye.

Oh, something caught his eye, alright. A guy, to be specific. But this guy didn’t stick out because he was odd. He stuck out because he was fucking _gorgeous_.

He was standing across the field with his arms crossed, a bemused smirk on his face as he spoke with a girl a bit shorter than himself. Of course she was shorter, because this guy was _tall_ , long and lean with biceps which were so defined that Darren could see them even from his spot across the field. His hair was perfectly styled, his skin was glowing and he looked like he was the star of the whole damn movie itself. Maybe he was? He had to be. And if he wasn’t then the casting director would probably be fired on spot when the producers saw the beautiful opportunity they'd let slip through their fingers.

The instinct to go over and talk to him was strong, but Darren knew there was no possible way he could do that right now without looking like a total dumbass. This man, officially dubbed Good Looking Guy in his head was already talking to someone, so injecting himself into the conversation would be pretty rude. Besides, this guy was probably a big deal on set so what was the point in even trying to waste his time? What would he want with a lowly Handsome Waiter such as himself when he was probably part of the main cast and had way more important things to attend to? Yeah, Darren should definitely just sit back, relax, and keep his mouth shut. 

But that didn’t mean he couldn’t admire the aesthetics from afar.

Which is exactly what he did. All morning. Throughout the next two hours before his scene was called. Sure, he mingled with a few people here and there but he had his eyes set on one person and one person alone and it was probably creepy as all hell but it wasn’t his fault, okay? He was just killing time, and that guy stayed right there with his beautiful face and he seemed to be having such a good time, always making that girl he was hanging out with laugh and- shit. They did seem really chummy. Could this guy be straight? If Darren’s track record for luck in flirtation was anything to go by, this guy was definitely straight.

He could have agonized over that thought for a lot longer, but eventually his scene did get called. After a quick run through wardrobe, hair, and makeup, Darren was finally waiting near the small building that had been transformed to look like the outside of the cafe his character had apparently only been working in for two days, resulting in absolutely horrible service. But Handsome Waiter’s mother had just been diagnosed with cancer and the job was necessary to pay off her radiation treatments, so Darren was happy to find that he didn’t get fired at any point during the movie.

(And if he made the cancer part up it was simply an artistic tactic he was using to correctly tap into character headspace, okay?)

Darren was just starting to bum himself out thinking about Handsome Waiter’s fragile mother when he was practically scared out of his skin by someone tapping him on the shoulder. He turned around and was simultaneously shocked and elated to find the girl that Good Looking Guy had been talking to was standing right in front of him, dressed in the exact same uniform he was wearing. Apparently she was the waitress he shared his scene with.

“Hey!” she greeted, sticking out her hand almost as soon as they made eye contact. “I’m Ashley. You ready for this?”

Darren smiled back and shook her hand. “Yeah, I already have this character’s whole backstory worked out in my head. I just hope Handsome Waiter can pay off his mother’s medical bills before the surgery.”

“Oh, same here,” she laughed. “Peppy Waitress just signed a recording contract so I’m thinking she’ll be able to quit her day job pretty soon. Here’s hoping.”

Their conversation continued on for awhile after that. Ashley turned out to be pretty awesome; so awesome that Darren actually forgot to pester her about her friend, which is what he had initially planned on doing immediately after he introduced himself. But no, Ashley was really easy to talk to, and it was nice to just converse with someone with a similar mindset for a change. Ashley seemed kind, laid back, and didn’t really appear to take this acting thing too seriously, something Darren could definitely relate to. The people that he interacted with on a daily basis were almost the exact opposite of her, so the juxtaposition was refreshing.

Don’t get him wrong - Darren liked acting. Truly, he did. It was the perfect escape into another person’s life; a chance to create another persona altogether. It was nice to be given the chance to just slip in and out of character with ease, to focus on someone else’s problems other than his own. The thing was... (and this had taken a while for him to finally admit to himself) he found that he enjoyed that whole experience a lot better when he was in school. 

Darren knew the common denominator in that regard was probably the fact that all of his acting in high school and college had been theater-related, but sadly the availability of open auditions for even small community plays in LA was pretty scarce. Jobs like these, however... small acting jobs were plentiful and they paid the bills and Darren kind of just needed a paycheck in general right now, so he tended to go to as many auditions as he possibly could just to make sure he could meet his half of the utilities bill each month. He knew he’d eventually need a second job. But right now? Darren was content to just do what he’d worked so hard for during his four years of college, and was determined to enjoy it, even if that meant spending a half hour before every call time staring at the wall as he created elaborate character backstories in his head.

Shooting their scene didn’t take as long as Darren had originally thought it might. Usually directors were pretty meticulous about how many different shots and angles they wanted to obtain, but perhaps his role was even less important than he’d originally thought because he and Ashley were waved off after a mere half hour, being told they’d be called back to reshoot if necessary. Which, even with his limited experience, Darren knew pretty much translated to “fuck off and don’t break anything on set while you’re waiting around for the day to end.” (That was one fucking time, okay?)

Darren had just managed to return his outfit to the wardrobe department when he suddenly remembered the earlier goal that he still hadn’t accomplished. Good Looking Guy was out there somewhere, on this very set actually, and Darren completely forgot to even ask Ashley about him. Darren suddenly felt a stab of anxiety in his gut, feeling like maybe he shouldn’t even bring Good Looking Guy up lest Ashley get the impression that the only reason he’d even spoken to her in the first place was to get into her friend’s pants. And that wasn’t true at all because Ashley was actually really cool and funny and she put Darren at ease and if Darren ever made her feel badly in any way he’d be the biggest asshole alive and yep, never mind, he was definitely not doing that.

Darren couldn't help but regret his decision, but given that he didn't even know where Ashley was at the moment, it was too late to do anything about it. Fuck. He didn’t even ask for her number, what a dick move, maybe he should have- 

Darren stopped walking, getting completely tossed out of his own head when he registered what he was seeing.

There were plenty of moments in Darren’s life when he swore he had the ability to summon things into existence. Sometimes he’d be talking about how humid it was and the forecast for the next twelve hours would show thunderstorms bringing in a cold front. Sometimes he’d have a song caught in his head and it’d play right as he put his Spotify on shuffle. Almost everyone in his life would chalk these events up to mere coincidences, but Darren truly believed in the occasional power of the universe to give him the things he wanted and this was definitely one of those moments because when he turned the corner between one trailer and the next, Good Looking Guy and Ashley were walking towards him, looking like they had just come out the wardrobe trailer he’d exited about ten minutes before. 

Any clever lines that Darren had earlier composed in his head went completely out the window as soon as he saw what Good Looking Guy was wearing. Okay, so he probably wasn’t the star of the whole movie as originally suspected; he was dressed as a cop and Darren knew from reading the script that the role was almost as small as his. However, the outfit suited him so perfectly that this role was sure to get him discovered; it showed just the right amount of skin, highlighting his arms and oh my god how was it even possible to have that kind of shoulder-to-waist ratio?

Darren was so busy daydreaming over how amazing Good Looking Guy looked in his costume that he was startled by Ashley calling out his name, her friendly face now only a few feet in front of him. “Hey, Darren!” Ashley greeted, her friendly face now only a few feet in front of him.

“Hi,” Darren answered with a half smile, trying to cover up the embarrassment of being caught totally off-guard. “What’s up?” he asked lamely, his heart beating rabbit-fast as he saw Ashley’s friend standing next to her out of the corner of his eye, not knowing whether he should acknowledge him first or wait to be introduced.

“My middle finger. These PA’s are rude as hell. One of them just at screamed at Chris because he asked if he could wear his own sunglasses instead of the designer ones they insisted on providing. Those look awkward on his face, wouldn’t you agree?” Then she added, seemingly as an afterthought, “Oh, this is Chris.” _Finally_ , Darren had an excuse to look at him. 

He was gorgeous, obviously, but even more so up close. A face covered in freckles that were noticeable even behind caked-on makeup and the most adorable smile, even though he wasn’t smiling with this teeth at the moment. 

Darren felt his face burn with blush, wanting badly to say something clever or witty in greeting but he quickly realized he couldn’t. His throat felt constricted, like it was closing up as his heart hammered in his chest, the embarrassment of allowing an awkward silence take place making him panic sightly. Fuck, why was he so nervous? Eventually, all he could muster was a terse, “Hi! I’m Darren.”

Chris smiled immediately, his face open and friendly. “Nice to meet you, I’m Chris.”

“Darren was my scene partner, Chris,” Ashley stated casually, apparently unaware of the sudden tension that Darren could have sworn had been obvious. “I told you I’m not the only one who comes up with weird stories for their characters. Our artistic hearts bonded.”

Chris rolled his eyes, seeming fondly amused. “I told you Ash, that doesn’t help me get into character headspace and I’m not trying it!”

“What would your five children think of that, Christopher? They’re depending on their father’s income to send them to a good primary school!” Ashley replied, her tone playful.

“I don’t have five children,” Chris quickly assured Darren, turning towards him. “She’s just being a goof, don’t mind her.”

Darren wanted to say something, anything. He had a pretty hefty handful of responses filling his head at the moment, but he couldn’t get his brain to make the connection to his mouth in a way that would allow him to properly articulate a word. It was weird; usually he was so good at this. It was easy to fake a smile and force some witty banter and charm the crap out of anyone he met, but Chris? Chris was tripping him up in a way that he wasn’t used to, and the only explanation he could provide for that was the fact that Chris was so damn distractingly attractive. All he could do was smile and nod, even though he desperately wanted to be able to do more. It was failure in the worst sense of the word.

“Well, we better get going. Someone has mouths to feed,” Ashley smirked, tugging on Chris’s arm.

Chris rolled his eyes. “It was nice meeting you, Darren.” And just like that he was gone, leaving behind no number or way for Darren to contact him ever again. Darren hadn’t even had the peace of mind to ask for Ashley’s number, either. He’d completely fucked up again and he only had himself to blame.

All he could do now was deal with it.


	2. Chapter 2

The weeks dragged slowly after that. Darren tried to forget about Chris, which actually proved easy since he had plenty of other problems to occupy his attention. Money was getting tight; way too tight for comfort. Darren’s bank account rarely had more than ten dollars at a time in it these days, and that was before he even considered buying groceries. He spent most of his time hungry, living off the cheapest possible meals he could find at the grocery store and allowing Joey to occasionally take pity and feed him. Joey himself wasn’t much better off, but apparently even he couldn’t stand to watch Darren pathetically eating seventy-five cent soup cups for all three of his meals each day. “The sodium in those things is deadly, dude” Joey constantly reminded him before slipping him something that actually contained a decent amount of vitamins. “I can’t afford this place by myself. If you die of a heart attack then I’ll be homeless and we wouldn’t want that.”

Besides, unlike Darren, Joey actually had a second source of income. The “struggling LA actor working as a part-time waiter” cliche was a cliche for a reason. It provided just enough of a salary between wages and tips to allow someone to stay above the poverty line, and that was far better than Darren's situation at the moment.

So in the end, it didn’t take much deliberation for Darren to start looking for another job. Had he been holding out hope for a while that he’d soon get his big break and wouldn’t even need one? Maybe. But the naive environment of his Michigan’s theater department was partially to blame for that, full as it was with idealistic dreamers who constantly spouted mantras of positivity and hopefulness. Either way, Darren needed money and was done waiting around, so he was getting a job even if it did wind up cutting into his audition time. Before he knew it he had applied to practically every cafe, bar, and restaurant in Burbank and the surrounding areas, even floating his way into North Hollywood because it was always good to keep his options open.

And okay, that may have been a week ago. He may have been incessantly calling and recalling every business twice a day, and maybe he was only receiving a simple “We’ll let you know” in return, but that was normal, right? They were just playing hard to get, which was totally a game Darren could play along with. Everything would be fine soon enough. But that didn’t mean Darren couldn’t show up in person and do some investigating, right? 

He’d just made his rounds at all the restaurants he’d tossed his application to on Pacific Ave. when he passed one of the bars where he was sure he’d applied to at some point. Besides, it seemed pretty dead, so he figured the bartender could probably use some company even if he didn’t buy anything, right?

The bar itself was small; it was practically nothing but a single room, long and narrow and stretching back only a few hundred feet. They did serve food, which was why Darren had originally applied as a cook or dishwasher. And even though beggars couldn’t be choosers, he didn’t really plan on ever having a meal here since it was pretty much the definition of “shitty dive-bar.” But it was a place that employed people and would potentially give him money, so that was really all that mattered. 

Apparently Ashley agreed, because as it turned out, she was a part-time bartender in addition to being an actress.

That whole power-of-the-universe thing? Yeah, it wasn’t just in Darren’s imagination.

“Darren!” she greeted, looking equal parts happy to see him and relieved to have a distraction from the shady looking guy at the other end of the bar who seemed intent on relaying some kind of story to her. “What brings you in here? Shouldn’t you be out slaying the casting directors of the Hollywood Hills with that impeccable comedic timing of yours?”

Darren laughed, settling into a chair that wobbled as he sat down in it. “You flatter me, Ash. But I should be asking you the same question. I didn’t know you lived anywhere near Burbank.”

“I don’t. At least not yet. I’m a Glendale native but we’re looking for apartments out here. The traffic is killing me and also making me want to kill other people at the same time, which is never a good option.”

It had been several months since Darren had first met Ashley but it might as well have been no time at all. They wound up talking for over an hour, conversing like they were best friends who spoke every day, and even though he’d been agonizing over his stupidity in not having asked for a way to contact her again (and really by extension, Chris) it was apparently something he needn’t have worried about.

As it turned out, Ashley really didn’t care that Darren was broke and could only scrape up a five dollar tip in return for the free beers she kept handing him. He was two beers in, the warm feeling of a slight buzz finally giving him the courage to bring up the topic that had been on the tip of his tongue since he first walked in. “So, your friend Chris? He seemed... really cool.”

Ashley’s face instantly lit up. “He seemed that way because he is! God, I was wondering when you’d bring him up. You were staring at him that day like he was the actual incarnation of a Greek god.”

Darren practically spit out the gulp of beer he’d just taken, embarrassed that his attraction had been apparent even though he was under the impression that he’d been hiding it well. “What? I have no clue what you’re talking about,” he tried, hoping to play it off.

“You are so much more obvious than you think,” she told him, sounding amused. Darren sighed, realizing more and more how impossible it was to get away with anything where Ashley was concerned. “You have one of the most readable faces of anyone I’ve ever met. It’s probably what makes you such a great actor, really.” 

“Shit, that means that Chris could probably tell, too,” Darren whined. “Welp, there goes that one. He probably thinks I’m such a creep.” 

“If that were the case, then you would’ve known right away, trust me. And besides, I know for a fact he doesn’t think that because he asked about you when we got home that night.”

“I- oh. Are you two...?”

Ashley snorted. “No, just roommates. Don’t worry, Chris is about as gay as they come. Besides, he wouldn’t stand a chance either way, he can’t handle this,” Ashley stated matter-of-factly, gesturing to herself. She studied Darren’s face for a moment before adding, “He doesn’t think you’re a creep. Quite the opposite, in fact. He just might have a little thing for you, maybe?”

Darren blushed, flattered. “You’re just saying that because you feel bad. It’s okay, I know being I’m pathetic.”

“Look, Darren,” Ashley started, her voice suddenly turning serious. “Unlike you, Chris isn’t a very easy to read person unless I, and a select few other people, are the ones doing the reading. If he was creeped out by you, then you wouldn’t have even gotten a smile out of him. He thought you were cute. I could tell.”

Darren still wasn’t convinced, but remained silent. “Stop over-thinking this,” Ashley insisted. “I’ll prove it. You said you need money right? Well, I don’t have much pull here in terms of who gets hired, though I’m definitely very convincing when I want to be. So in the meantime, do you want to come help me bartend for a night? My manager lets people do that here every once in awhile without being hired first, and you can keep all the tips you make.”

“Don’t I need a license for that?”

“You need to take a ‘Responsible Serving Course’, technically. But have you seen where we are? What the outside authorities don’t know won’t hurt them. My manager just wants money and a crowd. Oh, and speaking of authorities, Chris loves coming in here when I’m working because I always sneak him free Tequila Sunrises. He adores anyone who gives him free tequila, actually. There’s your way in.”

Darren smirked, affectionately picturing a tipsy Chris, giggly and downing tequila shots like a professional. How could he say no to that? “Fine, you’ve convinced me, you enabler. When can we do this?”

And just like that their plans were set. Darren would come back in three days and help Ashley out for the bar’s Thursday night rush. He didn’t have a lick of bartending experience, but how hard could it be? The bar, affectionately named _Maggie’s_ for the manager’s wife, apparently tended to get pretty crowded despite its hole-in-wall appearance. Ashley had even said that Darren was probably guaranteed at least two hundred dollars in tips alone. In fact, if he did really well, she assured him that he was likely to get hired (something she promised to push for).

But honestly, the true motivating factor for Darren was the promise of seeing Chris again, and and he'd do almost anything for another shot at that.


	3. Chapter 3

By Thursday night, Darren was just as nervous as expected, a feeling that he was apparently starting to experience more and more often. Ashley had given him a crash course in bartending, explaining in depth what the top, middle and bottom shelf liquors were for, and when to serve each of them. She even demonstrated how to make some of the more commonly requested mixed drinks, letting Darren have the leftover concoctions which definitely helped him with his nerves. 

Despite all of this, he was still freaking out and he knew it wasn’t just because he had no idea what he was doing. He was nervous to see Chris, nervous about the impression he’d make. Quite frankly, he was terrified that he’d screw up and make a fool of himself _again_.

The alcohol and Ashley’s calming presence did eventually help with that, however. She must have sensed his anxiety because she’d reassured him with platitudes about a thousand times before they started. Darren wasn't sure if Ashley knew why he was nervous, but it wouldn't surprise him if she did. Ashley had a tendency to know everything. It was pretty creepy, actually. 

Nevertheless, 8pm eventually rolled around and the rush picked. Darren quickly found himself forgetting about what was coming for comfortably long intervals at a time. Bartending was harder than it looked, but that was kind of what made it fun; the challenge, the new experience, the new people that he’d have never have gotten a chance to talk to otherwise. The music was loud and the room was crowded but the energy was infectious, palpable. Darren could definitely get used to this.

He didn’t even notice Chris had walked into the bar until the he was right in front of him.

Darren was happy to find that the sharp apprehension that would normally come with a conversation like this had been replaced with a sense of confidence and finesse that might not have been there otherwise. The feeling wasn’t overwhelming though, not at all. It was more of a band-aid on something that had been holding him back before, and it felt nice. “Chris!” Darren greeted he squeezed in between the wall at the side of the bar, exactly where Ashley had told Darren that Chris would be likely to appear. “What brings you in here, man? Long time no see!”

Chris smiled in that genuine way he had when they’d first met, much to Darren’s delight. “Don’t act like you don’t know. I’m sure it only took five seconds of standing next to Ashley for her to divulge my secret love affair with tequila.”

Darren mentally kicked himself, wishing he’d had the movie scene-esque foresight to make Chris’s drink beforehand and pull it out from under the bar as soon as they’d made eye contact. “Of course she did,” he answered instead. “A love affair at sunrise, am I right?”

Chris smirked. “Yeah, or sunset. I’m not picky. Do you know how to make it?”

Darren did. Of course that was the first drink he’d been taught how to make, meaning it was also one of the first he’d had that night (the mixture was gross, for the record, but the firsthand experience was enough to make sure Darren didn’t forget how much he hated tequila.)

“Of course!” Darren yelled from the other side of the bar where he’d already quickly moved to retrieve orange juice and alcohol, mixing them both in a shaker as he strode back to Chris’s spot where the grenadine had been conveniently placed. Darren scooped ice into a plastic cup before pouring the red liquid in, giving it a chance to settle before adding the shaken mixture on top, creating a warm-colored gradient that looked exactly like a fucking sunrise, if Darren did say so himself. 

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’ve done that before,” Chris teased as he pushed a five dollar bill towards Darren, who quickly pushed it back with a smile. “It’s on me.” Chris raised an eyebrow, looking like he was about to protest, but luckily Darren was able to quickly change the subject. “Yeah, maybe a few times. I’ve never bartended before tonight, though,” he admitted.

“Ashley told me,” Chris said casually as he took a sip of his drink. “Wait. I-I mean, she mentioned she was going to have some help tonight and told me that it’d be the guy she introduced me to at the movie shoot last week. We weren’t talking about you behind your back, I swear. I mean, we were, technically. But nothing bad?”

Darren smiled. For the first time since they’d met, Chris’s calm and collected demeanor had cracked slightly. If even for just a moment, it was nice to see that beneath the mask of confidence, there was perhaps some vulnerability present. 

Perhaps Darren wasn’t the only one who had something to hide.

“It’s fine,” Darren reassured with a shrug. “I’d understand even if it were bad. I’m kind of an asshole.”

“Assholes don’t give people free drinks, so you can’t be that horrible.” Chris took another long sip and nodded in approval. “So anyway, what brings you out to LA?”

And so began the retelling of his whole tale; how Darren had wanted to perform for as long as he could remember, how he went away to school and how he loved and missed it dearly. The conversation was starting to get very personal without Darren even realizing it - he wound up telling Chris about every single one of his close friends and what they meant to him, about his mom and the relationship he had with his brother. 

The conversation continued despite frequent pauses while Darren tended to other customers. Thankfully, Darren was pretty good at multi-tasking. Despite the constant distractions and the loud din of their environment, Chris was able to relay to Darren that he’d grown up in a much smaller town than Darren had. Clovis, California, to be exact, which Darren had to admit he’d never even heard of. When asked why Chris had pursued acting, however, he didn’t really get a specific answer. From the way Chris’s previously enthusiastic voice flattened to monotone while describing what it was like growing up in a small town, Darren got the sense that Chris had mostly just wanted to leave Clovis. He decided to test his theory. 

“I get the sense that you’re not crazy about this whole acting thing,” Darren prompted as he poured a shot for someone at the other end of the bar. “Am I right or wrong?”

Chris looked surprised, as if he actually hadn’t meant to give that impression. “You’re right,” Chris rose an eyebrow. “But... how are you right?”

“Just a guess.” Darren wanted to ask what it was that Chris was truly interested in, but became distracted by the fact that after he delivered the shot he’d been making, he had to clean up after someone’s spilled Red Bull and Vodka. By the time he got back to Chris with another Tequila Sunrise, he’d completely forgotten about the track their conversation had been on.

“Here,” Chris slipped Darren a twenty dollar bill before he could even attempt to remember what they’d been talking about before. “If you keep making me drinks like these then you deserve to be tipped decently, especially since I’m guessing the acting business has been treating you about as well as it’s been treating me.” Instead of the sarcastic comment being punctuated with a playful smile, (like Darren had already grown accustomed to),Chris frowned. It was a blink-and-you’d miss it moment since Chris’s cheery demeanor returned almost right away, but Darren caught it. He was simultaneously intrigued and saddened by the thought that Chris could be struggling as badly as he was. “Do you have another job?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Chris shrugged. “I work at a catering company but I don’t get too many hours. The shift availability is based on what events are being held there. No events? No work. How about you?”

This prompted Darren to relay his job hunting sob-story; even going so far as to complain about how broke he was and how he was actually pretty desperate for a job at this point, hence his random appearance as a bartender. Thankfully, instead of judgement, Chris just nodded empathetically and told Darren that he understood exactly what he meant, and Darren could tell that he actually did. 

There was so much that Darren wanted to inquire about. There was a depth to Chris, a sense that this man operated on a wavelength similar to his own and Darren wanted to know more. He wanted to know everything about Chris, as much as he possibly could but they had only just met and it would be off-putting to try to dig in that deep so soon, wouldn’t it?

So instead, Darren bit his tongue, something he wasn’t exactly used to doing, but was probably helpful in a situation like this nonetheless. 

After a while, there was a moment of thoughtful silence between them. By this time, the crowd had already been starting to thin as more and more customers headed out early, likely due to the fact that it was still only Thursday and most of them probably had to work early. The time had passed so quickly that Darren was actually surprised to look at his watch and discover it was almost 1 am. There were still a few stragglers, but for the most part the noise around them had quieted, the cacophony settling into something much more peaceful and relaxing. 

However, the quiet was quickly broken by Ashley’s loud voice booming into Darren’s right ear. “How’s it going, kids?” she asked, her words slurring ever so slightly. “Did you bring it up yet, Chris?” she asked as she grabbed Darren’s shoulder, lightly shaking it in that friendly, playful way of hers.

“Ash, no!” Chris laughed, his already rose-tinged cheeks turning even redder. “That’s creepy, shut up.”

“It’s not creepy! Tell him!” she insisted, shaking Darren’s shoulder so vigorously by this point that his whole body was moving with it, causing him to giggle a little. 

Perhaps it was the alcohol, but Chris relented immediately. “Fine! I watched those Harry Potter musicals you have on YouTube like, five times. You could say I’m kind of a huge fan.”

Darren rolled his eyes. “You didn’t have to look those up, dude. I know my resume is shoddy but I’ve been in a decent amount of slightly-less-shitty indie films you could’ve wasted your time judging the competition with.”

“No! I knew them before I met you,” Chris insisted. “I even watched the sequel right as it came out last summer and it was even better than the first one. You’re really good.”

Darren was flattered. “You don’t have to say that.” Those musicals were long - five hours between the two of them - and he’d been under the impression that they weren’t very easy to get through, or even marginally amusing to anyone other than himself and his college buddies. “You must be _really_ into Harry Potter?” This was the only logical reason Darren could fathom that a gorgeous, perfect caliber of man such as Chris had sat around for five hours and spent his time watching those videos. It almost made Darren want to apologize to him for taking up his time. 

“No, he just really likes y- um, yeah. He just really likes Harry Potter,” Ashley remarked before sauntering off to tend to another customer. Darren would have more fully analyzed that statement if Chris hadn’t launched into an excited rambling on about Harry Potter, which naturally prompted Darren do the same in return, the two of them soon talking so amicably that Darren forgot he was even supposed to be bartending.

Talking with Chris was easy. It was like going to a place where distractions and environments don’t matter, where he could only focus on one thing at a time. Maybe it was different because he was attracted to Chris, but he’d been attracted to plenty of people before and it never happened this way. Darren didn’t feel like he needed to impress Chris or put on a front; he made him feel safe and comfortable in a way that was almost alarming. Maybe it was the alcohol? It was probably just the alcohol.

\--

“You’re so lucky my manager isn’t here tonight, because you’re making a terrible first impression,” Ashley remarked a while later, her tone light and playful as she walked up behind Darren, interrupting their conversation about the symbolism of Harry’s green eyes. Darren probably gave her a significantly worried look as he turned around because she immediately dropped her sarcastic expression, face giving way to a genuine smile. “No, I’m totally kidding. It’s been slow for a while anyways.” She leaned on the bar next to him, seeming a bit more sober than she had been before. “Seriously though, you did great tonight. This was my plan all along,” she sighed contentedly, looking between him and Chris. Darren was about to question whether or not she meant his bartending skills or the fact that he and Chris was getting along so well (even though he was pretty sure he knew), but she had already turned her attention elsewhere. “We need to start cleaning up, though. The bar’s technically closed and I need to go kick out those two guys that can’t decide whether they’re hitting on me or each other.” She rolled her eyes and made her way towards the end of the bar, Darren able to hear her stern voice from even where he was standing.

“Yeah, I should probably get going,” Chris suddenly commented, stepping off the stool with a bit of a wobble. “Ashley usually kicks me out by now if I’m not helping her clean up. Which I’m definitely not tonight because you’re here to do it for me! So... Thanks for that.”

“Wait, how are you getting home, you’re not driving, are you?” Darren asked, worried for Chris’s safety after all the free Tequila Sunrises he’d given him. 

“Nah, I called an Uber like fifteen minutes ago,” Chris waved off the comment as he made his way around the bar.

Darren had been starting to follow Chris, but stopped short at the comment. Oh. So Chris had already called an Uber? In the middle of their conversation? Okay. So maybe he hadn’t been as into him as Darren had thought. Well, that’s what he got for jumping to conclusions. Fuck vodka for always making him think he’d finally found someone special, for altering his perceptions.

“It was nice meeting you,” Darren called out, unsure if Chris had even heard him since he was already engaged in what looked like a private conversation between him and Ashley. Darren strained his ears, trying to make out what they were saying, but all he could hear was Chris’s whispering before Ashley patted his shoulder and kissed his cheek affectionately, seeming like she was trying to comfort him about something.

Darren knew he was doing that “sad eyes” thing that Joey always scolded him for, but he couldn’t help it. The rejection he felt as he watched Chris hug Ashley goodbye without even a word to Darren was cutting him straight through to the core, simultaneously making him sick with despair and paralyzed with humiliation over his astronomically huge misinterpretation of the entire night.

With a single glance back at Darren, Chris was walking out the door of the bar and in the blink of an eye he was gone.


	4. Chapter 4

The next few weeks were some of the worst that Darren could ever remember experiencing. Okay, maybe that was an exaggeration, but it certainly didn’t feel like it at the time.

He thought things were going well. He thought that perhaps once, just once he hadn’t fucked up and he was doing something right for a change. But no. Once again, the universe proved to him that he was just as insignificant as he felt sometimes, and the things he wanted? Well, he just didn’t deserve to have them.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Darren considered that maybe he was being dramatic. It wouldn’t be the first time, after all. But this was different; not only had he been inches away from finally fostering a real connection with someone, but he’d also been inches away from a job that would have been capable of bringing in enough extra cash to maybe buy him a well-balanced meal for a change. He could only bear to look the cashier at Ralph's in the eye for so long as she rang up his third purchase of Cheerios that week, especially with the added burden of the judgmental glances from the other customers in line as they smugly unloaded their armfuls of kale and quinoa. The LA life was hard, man.

But no, apparently he’d managed to throw that opportunity in the dirt as well, because it had been exactly sixteen days since he’d applied to Maggie’s and he still hadn’t heard a single peep from the manager. Frequent badgering texts to Ashley were proving fruitless, though she was constantly assuring him that she’d been mentioning it to her manager every day. “The best they can do for now is let you help out again if someone can’t come in for their shift.” 

He didn’t bring up Chris to Ashley, though. He couldn’t, not after what had happened that night. It was embarrassing enough to have been rejected and Darren wasn’t really up for reliving that moment by recounting the sorry details to someone that probably already shared a laugh with Chris over how pathetic he’d been. It was best to just act like the whole thing never happened.

“Still no luck with the job search, buddy?” Joey asked as he walked into the kitchen where Darren was sitting. He was staring into another half-empty bowl of dry Cheerios and probably looked a little more rough around the edges than usual. He’d had six auditions since his last booking but not a single callback. Six early mornings, six long days, and six hard nights of sleep deprivation all for nothing. And what’s worse? He hadn’t heard back from a single job he’d applied to, either. He was starting to lose most of what little hope he had left.

“Nah,” Darren answered, shrugging and trying to keep his tone light. “It’s no big deal. I’ve had plenty of auditions in the past week, I’m sure something will turn up.”

"oey eyed him, flashing a concerned look and communicating to Darren what they both already knew: rent was due in a week. Even though Darren did have just enough money to cover it, there wouldn't be a lot left over for living expenses. Despite the fact that Joey didn’t say a word, it was clear to Darren that Joey was perfectly aware of his poor financial situation.

Joey was more concerned for Darren’s well-being than anything. They’d had this conversation a few times before. They were close enough that they could trust each other pick up the slack when either was in a hard spot, just as they’d both done for one another when they lived together in an off campus apartment in Michigan. Joey had already offered to cover Darren’s half of the rent several times within the past year but Darren refused, not wanting any tension or resentment to build between them in case that practice became a habit. The offer hanging in the air was still a comfort, though. Knowing Joey was willing to take his back meant more to Darren than he could express.

But still, Darren was trying so hard to be independent. He needed to do this and even if it meant dipping into his already meager savings account or going hungry for a few meals, it would be worth it. It _had_ to be.

\--

A few days later, Darren and Joey were just settling down to partake in their usual Monday afternoon ritual of a few rounds of Mario Kart when Darren noticed that an unfamiliar number was calling his cellphone.

"Except it wasn’t random. Apparently he’d forgotten to save Maggie’s mainline number to his phone. "Ashley!" Darren greeted her excitedly. “What’s up?”

“Good news!” she exclaimed into the phone, her tone much more enthusiastic than her usual humorously-sarcastic monotone. “Our second-tier bartender quit last night and your application was the first one they pulled! I mean, my influence may or may not have had something to do with that.” She paused. “Actually let’s just be real here, I called my manager as soon as the other guy walked out the door. You’re hired!” 

“Oh my god, seriously?!” Darren breathed into the phone, his bad mood melting away as the reality of her words sunk in. A job. He was being offered an actual, stable job. He almost couldn’t believe it.

“Yes! You can start tomorrow, if you don’t have plans?”

Darren snorted. “I think I’ll find time to pop in between all of those callbacks I’ve been getting,” he answered sarcastically, knowing she’d pick up on it. “I’ll see you at 7?”

“Perfect! I’ll put a vase in the window to await my thank you bouquet. Roses are acceptable.”

Darren giggled a bit. “Thanks, Ash. Seriously. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it, I’m just kidding. You’re perfect for the job. You’re personable and charming and if you really walked away with as many tips as you told me you did, then you must be doing something right. You’ll be great.”

Darren nodded. “I hope so.”

“See you tomorrow?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

\--

The next day was Tuesday night, meaning business was very slow. The bar was essentially dead, with only a few regulars scattered across the seats here and there. It gave Darren a chance to get better acquainted with the bar’s inventory, with Ashley enthusiastically pointing out all the alcohols and mixes they kept well stocked. By the time she was finished having him practice on the register again, it was only two hours into the shift, and even meticulously cleaning the counter for the third time wasn’t keeping one of Darren’s main concerns from slipping off his tongue. 

“Hey, Ash? You don’t think Chris is going to make an appearance at some point tonight, do you?”

Ashley looked up from where she was counting her tips. “Nah, he has a breakfast shift tomorrow.” She pocketed her money before making eye contact with Darren, her gaze uncharacteristically stony. “Besides, now that you’ve been hired, he’s probably never going to show up here again. Not after you broke his heart the last time you saw him.”

This confused Darren, throwing him off completely. “What are you talking about?”  
Ashley side-eyed him, now looking genuinely annoyed. “If you didn’t like him then you could have just said so. I mean, he doesn’t get the balls to talk to guys he likes very often and he spent the whole night talking to just you. The least you could have done was let him down easy.”

Darren stared at her, incredulous. “What? But I was thinking the same thing about him! I was flirting with him all night and he just left the bar without even asking for my number!” He paused, overwhelmed with trying to comprehend this new information. “Wait, did you say he likes me?”

Ashley ignored his last question and just studied Darren’s face for a moment, seemingly trying to search him for the truth. “I’m pretty sure he said that exact sentence to me at some point over the past two weeks, except he was trying to figure out why _you_ didn’t ask _him_ for his number. He said you didn’t make a move all night so he assumed you weren’t interested.” She rolled her eyes before she started furiously polishing a shot glass. “Wow. What a couple of idiots. You’re perfect for each other.”

Darren didn’t know what to say. Everything Ashley was telling him regarding Chris’s worries had almost been Darren’s exact thoughts for the past few weeks. It was like she was reading his mind and parroting his thoughts right back to him, falsely labeling the words as having come from Chris. He briefly wondered if he’d drunkenly dialed her and bared his soul at some point. “Well what should I do about it, then?”

She sighed, putting a hand on his shoulder. “There’s only one thing you can do: awkward first date time, set up by yours truly.” She pulled out her phone, looking somberly determined as she scrolled through her contacts. “But after that? I’m out. You two need to sort out this crap on your own because playing matchmaker is starting to get exhausting.”

“Starting to? What do you mean by that?”

“I’ve been trying to get you two together since you first met that day at the shoot! Haven’t you noticed? The second I saw you making those puppy-in-love eyes I knew I had to do something.”

“The saga of me being way too obvlious continues,” Darren sighed, feeling embarrassed before a second thought occurred to him. “Well, according to Chris, I’m actually not obvious enough I guess? Maybe you’re just really good at reading minds.”

Ashley nodded. “It’s a curse, really.” She grabbed her phone as it pinged with a new text. “Okay, he agreed to meet you after his shift tomorrow afternoon. I didn’t explain anything, though. It’s all up to you now, bud. Don’t let me down.”

Darren smiled, despite the twisting of nerves and trepidation in his stomach. “Don’t worry. I won’t.”

\--

“Hey Darren,” Chuck greeted cheerfully when he answered his brother’s call. “What’s up?”

Darren spilled his guts almost immediately, the comfort of having heard his big brother’s voice prompting him to start venting in earnest. He just needed someone who understood him, who’d been through the same things he’d been through and who he didn’t need to explain himself to. Chuck got it, which made him Darren’s number-one confidant.

“I don’t think I can do it,” Darren groaned. “Ask Chris out, I mean.” Darren had told Chuck all about Chris, naturally. He’d been texting him about the entire situation, since the very first day they met, all the way through their pseudo-date at the bar, through the devastation of his rejection, and even after his conversation with Ashley when he’d been determined to ask Chris out.

Over the past few days however, Darren had started to change his mind entirely.

“Huh? Why? You were singing a completely different tune when I talked to you the other night.”

“I’m not ready for a relationship. I’m just- I can’t. Not right now. I’m going through a lot and I just need Chris to be my friend.”

“Darren, we’ve been over this. Getting into a relationship doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to fuck the entire thing up and lose that person forever. Besides, even if you did break up, exes stay friends all the time. Why don’t you just give it a shot?”

“No.” Darren was adamant. He’d already made his decision, and it wasn’t up for debate. He’d really only called Chuck because he told Chuck everything, and was simply relaying the news, more or less. “I can’t.”

Chuck sighed, his voice going soft as he asked, “Is this about mom and dad, Dare?”

“It’s just- it’s about everything,” Darren replied, his voice tentative and small. “Look, I’m not saying I never want to ask him out. I just… I need to wait. You know how I feel about relationships and I just feel really… connected to Chris? I don’t know. He’s special and I think it’s better that we just stay friends for now. Safer.”

“Okay, Darren. I understand. Just, don’t write it off completely, okay?”

Darren nodded out of habit, despite the fact that he was on the phone. “I wont. I’m going to talk to him tomorrow. I just hope he’ll understand.”

“If he’s as great as you say he is, he will Darren. Trust me.”

\--

The next day Darren was regretting his promise to Ashley, because he knew what he was about to do was probably going to let her down very much.

Still, it had to be done. 

“Hi again!” Darren greeted, trying to keep his voice steady. His heart was beating hummingbird fast. “Have you been waiting long?” he asked hesitantly as he sat down across from Chris in the cafe Ashley had suggested they meet up in.

“Nah, just got here,” Chris answered, barely making eye contact. This made Darren want to start panicking in earnest, but he checked himself right away. It’s okay, Darren. He’s probably just as nervous as you are. Relax, relax.

His self-placating worked surprisingly well. “Look, Chris. I’m just gonna jump right into it. I’m really, really sorry about what happened the other night. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I wasn’t interested, though in my defense you did walk out of that bar pretty fast.”

Chris, for his part, seemed to receive that information well. “Don’t apologize, it’s okay. I realized I was overreacting little. I mean, I was just as capable of asking for your number as you were. I was being dumb.”

Darren smiled. “I know that feeling.” He took a deep breath, choosing his next words carefully in an attempt to relay the speech he’d come up with the night before as articulately as he could. “I think it’s best if we just stay friends, Chris.”

The look on Chris’s face could have killed him. It was a mixture of disappointment and sadness and absolute confusion. Darren could relate.

“Don’t take it personally,” Darren mumbled softly. “I’m just- I’m not good with relationships and I don’t think I’m ready to date right now?” his voice was shaking; the words felt wrong coming out of his mouth, despite the fact that they were true. “But... I do like you, Chris. A lot.” He really did, and that was the problem.

“I don’t understand,” Chris started, looking for all the world like he absolutely did not. “You just told me you were interested in me. We get along well, and as we’ve already established, I like you and you like me back. What’s the issue here?” he asked, voice rising with each word.

Darren sighed. Somehow he knew Chris wouldn’t take this lightly, and he couldn’t blame him. “I don’t want to throw you any cliche lines here, but I’m going to do it anyway. Please, can you please just trust me when I say it’s not you, it’s me?” In a bold move, Darren reached for Chris’s hands where they were knotted together on the table, cupping them with his own, feeling like he needed the connection to properly convey how he was feeling. “Just because I’m not in the right place to date right now doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend more time with you. I want to spend a lot of time with you, actually. Like, as much as possible. But I can’t... I just- maybe we can be more soon? But not right now.” Darren stumbled. He was barely making sense to himself, so he knew he would be making even less sense to Chris. But Darren was doing the right thing. It was his only option.

Surprisingly, Chris didn’t remove his hands from Darren’s grasp. Instead, he seemed to take in every word he was saying, considering them. Chris stared into Darren’s eyes and Darren gazed back, hoping Chris would discover his sincerity. After a few charged moments, Chris finally responded with a nod. “Okay... I understand.” He offered a small smile and Darren wanted to cry with relief. “Well, actually I don’t understand. But, I can see what you mean? I’m cool with us just being friends if that’s what you need.”

Darren felt his shoulders sag, the tension he’d been feeling since he made this decision last night finally leaving his body. “Okay! Now, as my first official act of friendship, will you let me buy you lunch?”

Chris eyed Darren for a moment before grinning, that bright one that Darren had unfortunately already fallen a little bit in love with. “I’m pretty sure that’s an official act of best friendship, don’t you think?”

Darren shrugged. “Okay, so? Best friendship it is.”

“I’ll take it.” And whether Chris was teasing him or he was actually being genuine, Darren didn’t care. Because Chris was there. He was still there, and that was the only thing that really mattered.


	5. Chapter 5

Over the next few months, Darren and Chris absolutely kept their word to each other.

Best friendship was probably the easiest way to describe what they had together. It was incredible; Darren had never met anyone that he got along with as well as he did with Chris. Talking to him was always easy, their conversations about their vast array of mutual interests went on for hours on the phone or on Skype. Sometimes Darren would call Chris in the middle of the day just to tell him a silly anecdote about something that happened, needing Chris’s witty comments or opinions and always hanging up feeling relieved, like just speaking to him for those few minutes had lifted a bit of the day’s heavy weight off his shoulders.

It was surprising that they could keep their virtual conversations going for so long, because they also spent practically all of their free time together. Darren didn’t have many local friends if he was being honest with himself. Sure, he had about a thousand acquaintances; Darren liked people and he loved talking to them even more, but he’d become very wary of the people of LA after more than a few very negative experiences when he’d tried to foster a friendship. 

It seemed that any time he made plans with someone, they only ever talked to him about the projects they were working on, who they knew and who they could introduce him to. This often lead to inquires about Darren’s “connections,” and the conversations usually swung in directions that gave him the overwhelming impression that these people were just using him for their own twisted benefits. It was sadly an extremely frequent occurrence. 

But Chris? Chris was completely different because they barely ever talked about the business they were in, aside from each of them complaining about their part time jobs. Instead, they talked about their hobbies outside of acting. It turned out that Chris was a writer, and an extremely good one judging by the samples he’d allowed Darren to peek at when they were hanging out at Chris’s place. In fact, Darren even learned that Chris was writing an entire fucking screenplay which sadly, despite his overwhelming and incessant begging, he wasn’t allowed to even look at because it was “a work in progress, Darren, but I promise that when it’s done you’ll be the first person I hand it to.”

It was becoming more and more apparent that Chris was every bit as interesting and talented as Darren had suspected from the very moment he laid eyes on him. It seemed like every day Chris surprised him with some new ability or talent that he was unfairly amazing at. A memorable example of this came one afternoon when the two of them were hanging around at Darren’s apartment, blessedly alone after Joey had been called into work for his restaurant's lunch rush.

Darren was sitting on the floor, back against the couch, absently strumming his guitar. He always felt bad when he got the urge to play with other people around. He knew it was kind of a stereotypically obnoxious thing to do. But what people tended to not understand was the fact that playing the guitar was something necessary for Darren. It wasn’t about “showing off,” as people often tended to accuse him of. No, music calmed him; it helped him deal with the feelings and thoughts that constantly swirled around in his head. Playing guitar or piano or any instrument at his immediate disposal was alway an effective way of releasing that tension. The feel of his fingers against the strings, the motion of his arm as he strummed, the sound of the chords as he worked them together like puzzle pieces. It was almost akin to meditation; at least, that was the best way he could describe it to his frequently irritated roommates of the past.

He wasn't sure if Chris understood all of this about him, but either way he didn't say a word and for that, Darren was grateful.They sat in comfortable silence except for the melodies coming from Darren, Chris lounging on the couch and absently scrolling through his phone. “Hey, I know that song.”

Darren startled. Chris’s voice had broken him out of his trance and he actually had to backtrack in his head to remember what he’d been playing. “Oh, it’s not really a song. I’m not even paying attention to what I’m doing right now, to be honest,” he responded absently.

“Well, it sounds like something I’ve heard before. Careful, you’re probably plagiarizing and you don’t even know it,” Chris teased as he locked his phone and let it drop to his chest. “Keep going though, it was nice.”

Darren nodded, strumming for a bit as his mind tried to retrieve the chords he’d been using, then smiled when he realized why Chris thought he was familiar with them. “This isn’t a song. You only thought you knew it because I was playing that four-chord combination that’s in pretty much every pop song ever written.”

Chris took a moment to look confused. “Are you sure that wasn’t Beautiful by James Blunt?”

Darren laughed out loud. “Oh my god, seriously Chris? How much of a douche do you really think I am?”

“Don’t even sit there and act like you don’t know how to play that song. I’m sure you’ve got Iris somewhere in that repertoire of yours too, don’t you?”

“Well, yeah,” Darren admitted without hesitation. “But pretty much anyone who can play guitar will know those songs because they all use the same four chords! Listen.” Darren started strumming in that all-too familiar pattern, that foolproof way of acting like you could play any song at the drop of a hat. He played a few bars before softly starting to sing. _I won’t lose any sleep on it, cause I’ve got a plan. You’re beautiful, it’s true. When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am_. “See?” he asked while continuing to strum softly. “Have I revealed all of the douchebags behind the curtain yet?”

Chris rolled his eyes. “Just keep playing.”

_And I don’t want the world to see me, ‘cause I don’t think that they’d understand. Without warning Chris joined in, taking a moment to match pitch before beginning to harmonize with Darren. When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am._

Darren almost stopped playing; Chris’s voice was incredibly gorgeous, a high, clear countertenor, so unique and like nothing he’d ever heard before. What was equally as shocking however, was how well their voices were blending, like they’d been singing together their whole lives. The music seemed to flow naturally between the two of them, Chris allowing Darren to take a slight lead but still singing strong. He was clearly a trained singer - either that or he was just born ethereal and Darren was definitely leaning towards the latter. He was dumbstruck, moved, even. He’d never found someone that he had this much musical chemistry with. Maybe this was all just because of his dumb little crush, but fuck, they sounded perfect together.

Darren was considering transitioning into the bridge of _I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing_ , wanting to test Chris’s voice and see what he could really do, but he couldn’t hold himself back before blurting out, “Where the hell have you been hiding that voice all this time, man?!”

Chris looked up from where he’d been playing with a loose thread on Darren’s couch. “Uh, my throat?”

“Now is not the time for sex jokes, Chris. You’re good... like, really good.” Darren stared at Chris, trying to communicate with his eyes how earnest he was being. He couldn’t help but feel in awe of Chris. He was incredibly gifted and either had no idea, or was just overtly modest. “You’ve taken singing lessons before, haven’t you?”

“Yeah, when I was younger,” Chris shrugged, not offering up any additional information, much to Darren’s chagrin.

“Well, you’re amazing,” Darren reiterated. “You really are.” He went back to strumming softly but did not sing, getting lost in thought yet again.

This new revelation, in addition to his blossoming friendship with Chris, only acted as further proof to Darren that he’d made the right decision in keeping their relationship strictly platonic. Their connection was too profound, too special to risk losing. Despite the fact that his feelings were always there, bubbling under the surface no matter how much he attempted to suppress them, what he had with Chris was rare and he knew that attempting a relationship would only end up in disaster. Besides, that’s all relationships really were in the end; they brought anger and hurt and resentment and how often did people actually end up with a happily ever after anyway? He and Chris were perfect the way they were and the voice that constantly whispered for more was safe where he kept it tucked in the back of his mind, leaving room for him to only enjoy what he had right now, and that was all that mattered.

This time, it was Darren’s turn to break the comfortable silence. “How come you didn’t pursue singing? A voice like that shouldn’t be hidden behind an extra’s credit in a movie unless you’re also recording the whole soundtrack for them.”

Chris took a few moments to answer. “I could ask you the same question.”

This threw Darren, and he had absolutely no idea how to answer. On the one hand, Chris had a good point; music was something Darren had loved since his very early days of childhood, something he’d never been forced into but something he always loved regardless. But it was a hobby, not a career. He could never make money with music; first of all, he just wasn’t good enough. That had been proven to him in college when he heard the incredible belts and vibratos of his classmates. Choosing acting as a major had been no brainer; it was something he had always been praised for during his days in community theater back in San Francisco.

“I’m just not that good, I guess,” Darren answered honestly, beginning to strum slower and more thoughtfully.

“Not that good?” Chris asked. “Alright, now it’s my turn to go overboard on the compliments. You’re a great singer, Darren. You should do something with it.”

Darren smiled, the tempo of his melody speeding up a bit. “I should. But only if you join me. We could be a traveling two-person band. Play in bars and strip clubs and stuff like that.” Darren was only half joking - anything was starting to sound better than the acting business.

“I don’t really like singing, to be honest with you,” Chris admitted. “It’s weird. Way too technical, and the headspace you have to put yourself in is really complicated. It just doesn’t come naturally to me, even though people have always told me how good I am at it.” Chris sighed. “Performing was never really my thing, anyway.”

Darren bit his tongue, narrowly avoiding pointing out the fact that acting was still a type of performing. He had a feeling Chris was already acutely aware of this; and that, Darren suspected, was the problem. A problem that Darren could relate to very well, in fact.

“You hungry? I could go make us some pancakes?”

“It’s 4 in the afternoon, Darren.”

He turned fully around, sitting up on his knees and leaning his elbows on the couch, brushing Chris’s side. “Let me ask that question again: are you hungry, and do you want pancakes?” 

Chris had apparently figured out pretty quickly that he didn’t really have a choice in the matter. Darren was desperately trying to cheer him up and they both knew he loved pancakes so it seemed like the only logical option. 

They were just beginning the extensive task of cleaning up the kitchen - batter and syrup had somehow managed to get on every available surface of the room - when Joey suddenly burst in the door.

“Darren! Dude, guess what!” He bounced into the kitchen, looking absolutely ecstatic, his eyes wide and his breathing heavy. “Oh, hey Chris! You should guess what, too!”

Darren considered making a dumb joke but actually managed to stay serious for once, sensing this was something that was actually important. “What?”

“I got another callback for that movie role! The one I told you about last week?! I just got the email!”

“Oh my god!” Darren jumped out of his chair, running up to Joey and giving him a hug. “Congratulations, man! This is huge!” Darren immediately turned to Chris, whose expression revealed he was more than a little confused. “This is Joey’s second callback for a co-starring role in a feature fucking film, and it was just announced that Matt Damon accepted the lead role! If this next callback goes well, he’s probably going to get the part! Holy shit, right?!”

“Wow,” Chris got out of his seat to shake Joey’s hand. “That’s really amazing, congrats Joey!”

“We have to celebrate tonight. Should we go out?”

“Sure, but anywhere other than my bar. Today’s my day off and if I look at that place any longer than I have to, I’m gonna throw up. We could do something here?”

“Yeah! I’ll invite some people. Do you guys wanna go get libations? You can put it on my card since ya know, I’m about to be rich and everything.”

Darren took in a breath - Joey wasn’t lying. If he scored this role, his salary would be hefty with a name like Matt Damon.

Which was fucking awesome, of course. But, where did that leave Darren?

He tried not to think about it. Tonight was a night to celebrate Joey and it wouldn’t dare make it about himself. He’d allow room for his shitty insecurities and fears to take over his brain tomorrow; the only responsibility he had tonight was to make sure Joey had a fucking blast.

Three cases of beer, two handles of vodka, and fifteen accepted invites later, Darren was certain Joey was on his way to having a successfully celebratory night. His roommate was in the middle of relaying the story of his grueling audition process to a circle of his coworkers, a huge smile on each of their faces.

Darren was familiar with most of the people in the room, and he actually genuinely liked pretty much all of them. Chris on the other hand, hadn’t met anyone before tonight and that’s why Darren basically hadn’t left his side since the first person arrived. Darren knew Chris didn’t always feel very comfortable in social situations such as this - while Darren found it exciting and energizing to meet and talk to new people, Chris often felt drained and exhausted by the end of the first conversation he had with a stranger.

At first, this had been a hard concept for Darren to comprehend. How could anyone not like talking to people, especially someone like Chris who was so damn likable? Darren had asked him this question one night, genuinely curious. Chris patiently explained that everyone interacts with the world around them differently. Just because he felt apprehensive around people he didn’t know - and sometimes people in general - it didn’t mean that Chris was standoffish or rude. The fact was that he was just naturally a shy person, and there was nothing wrong with that. 

Still, Darren didn’t like the thought of Chris feeling uncomfortable in any way. That’s why he made sure to stick by his side for most of the night. Darren introduced him to a few people here and there, but didn’t let get Chris get left alone for more than a few minutes. In fact, it actually seemed like Chris was having a lot of fun; he was smiling with his teeth while they sat together on the foot rest of the couch, laughing at the conversation Darren was having and leaning into him, batting his arm when he made a dumb joke and sipping his Tequila and Sprite in between giggle fits. 

Maybe he was faking it for Joey’s sake, but Darren could sense the joy radiating off of Chris in waves and the fact that he was happy made Darren even happier. Perhaps it was just the alcohol in his system or the fact that Chris wouldn’t stop cuddling against his side, but Darren was having a really, really good time.

An hour or so later, Chris requested that he and Darren take a celebratory shot, and how could Darren say no to that? He made his way to the kitchen, pouring vodka into two shot glasses as carefully as possible when he heard Joey’s voice in the hallway behind the kitchen, loud and obviously more than a little drunk. He was just about to go ask Joey if he also wanted a shot when he noticed that his roommate’s tone was a bit morose. Wait, why wasn’t Joey happy? He should be happy right now. Darren moved closer, feeling a little guilty as he eavesdropped, but wanted to find out what was wrong so he could make it right.

“This place is such a shithole, though. It’s literally falling apart. Did you know we have rats in the washing room downstairs? I’m pretty sure there’s been like, three generations of them since we moved in.”

“Well, if you score this movie deal then hopefully you’ll be able to afford a better place, maybe you could even move downtown into Hollywood?” another loud, slurring voice answered.

“Yeah, but what about Darren? He doesn’t have the money to split the rent on someplace nicer. He’s just barely scraping by as it is.”

“If you’re going to be working out of Hollywood, you might wanna consider moving out of Burbank anyway, though. It’s going to be a pain in the ass to get into the city every day, dude. I’m sure Darren can find another roommate.”

“No way, I would never leave Darren. That’s fucked up, man. I asked him to move out here with me - I can’t just abandon him.” 

“He’s a grown man, Joey. He’ll understand.”

Darren strained his ears, trying to hear the rest of the conversation but the voices were getting fainter, sounding as if they were moving down the hall.

Fuck. Darren was the biggest asshole on the planet. How could he not have seen that he was holding Joey back? They’d both always known that Joey made more money than Darren - he tended to get pretty significant roles, which was probably the reason he’d had a decent enough resume to even get this audition in the first place. Between the money he made at the restaurant and the paychecks and residuals he received from acting, Joey could certainly afford a nicer apartment in downtown LA. Had he really been sucking it up and slumming it in their shithole in Burbank for two years all because Joey didn’t want to leave Darren?

That was fucked up and it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t Joey’s fault that Darren was a shitty actor and he shouldn’t have to suffer because of it. 

Darren was so lost in thought that he hadn’t even noticed that someone else had entered the room with him, much less that the person was standing right next to him until he felt an arm on his shoulder. He startled, but relaxed when he saw it was Chris.

“What are you doing in here?” Chris asked, cheeks bright pink from the alcohol and voice a little too loud. “Did you take those shots without me? I knew I couldn’t trust you around this much vodka!”

Darren shook his head, grabbing his shot and handing Chris the one he’d poured for him. Wordlessly, he threw it back, watching Chris do the same out of the corner of his eye. He welcomed the alcohol as it burned his stomach and he closed his eyes, his emotions starting to get the better of him.

Perhaps it was the fact that he was officially drunk by this point but... he was sad, okay? Sad for Joey who had to put up with a broke and financially worthless roommate, and sad for himself that he was failing. He was failing as an actor and as a human being and in that moment, Darren believed more than ever that he truly didn’t belong where he was.

He felt his eyes stinging as he opened them, blurred vision coming into focus to find Chris watching him in concern. “Darren?” Chris asked tentatively. “You’re not crying, are you?”

Darren felt his throat tighten, a lump in his throat and eyes prickling with unshed tears. “Can we just go to my room real quick? To- to talk?” Darren managed to whisper as the tears threatened to spill over his eyes. He wasn’t usually a weepy drunk; it was just that his emotions tended to be heightened whenever he consumed alcohol and usually that resulted in him being way to over-the-top happy. But sometimes, it also resulted in pathetic sob sessions over the stupidest little things.

But this thing, this thing that he was crying about right now? He knew it wasn’t stupid. He had been having these thoughts for almost a month now. They’d sneak up on him while he was trying to fall asleep or during a particularly long shift at work. Whispers of not good enough and failure, voices that told him he should just give up and settle for the life of mediocrity that he was destined to live had been seeping into his conscious more and more often, and keeping them locked inside was becoming harder each day.

And now, thanks to a little vodka and one session of eavesdropping, they were all spilling out. Right in front of Chris.

Darren led them to his room, thankfully devoid of any miscreant party guests who’d tried to sneak off into his room for some drunken “alone time.” He flipped on his bedside lamp, illuminating his room in a dim light. Chris sat down on his bed easily. These days, Chris made himself at home without any hesitation at all, which was a wonderful contrast to the awkward aloofness he’d displayed at the beginning of their friendship. And truthfully, the sight of seeing Chris curling up so easily on his bed, so comfortable in his own private space, always did something for Darren that he’d need to immediately push into the back of his mind.

Tonight, however, he flopped right down in front of Chris, seconds away from dissolving into a blubbering mess, already painfully aware of how much he was going to regret this display in the morning. “I’m a f-fucking failure, Chris.”

Chris shook his head, grabbing Darren’s hands and bringing them over to rest on his lap. “Shut up, you are not.” 

“I am,” Darren whimpered, using his own shoulder to wipe away a stray tear on his cheek. “I haven’t gotten a decent role the entire time I’ve been out here and look at Joey! He already has like, a four page long resume... and then there’s me.” Darren sniffled, taking a deep breath and trying in vain to calm himself. “I give up.”

“Darren, stop talking like that,” Chris demanded, reaching for the bedside table where the obligatory tissues of a male bedroom were located. He handed one to Darren before rubbing his thumbs over his friend's knuckles, trying to soothe him. “You are not a failure and you should not give up. So what if Joey’s career is taking off? That doesn’t reflect on yours at all. I’m sure you’ll be getting a decent role sooner rather than later.”

“No, you don’t get it.” Darren insisted, looking Chris in the eyes and shifting closer, hoping to convey what he was trying to get across. It was one of those times when he was having trouble using his words to fully express how he felt, needing instead to communicate through his body language. “I give up on acting. On this whole town. I hate it here, Chris. I’m not happy and this whole acting thing? It isn’t for me.” 

“What are you talking about?” Chris asked, now looking genuinely confused. “You love acting, it’s what you went to school for.”

“Everyone here only cares about themselves,” Darren tried to explain. “Your success doesn’t depend on your talent or your love of what you do. It’s all about who you know, meaning that half the friends you have are fake and only interested in what you can do for them. Everyone here is so self-centered and self-aggrandizing and self-important. It’s toxic and it’s making me miserable. I can’t stand it anymore.”

Chris watched Darren for a moment as he composed himself, looking indecisive. “I feel like I should be arguing with you or giving you some kind of encouraging speech right now, but it’d all be bullshit because you’re completely right. LA sucks.”

Darren nodded, feeling himself sway a little as he wiped away the last of his tears. “Fuck, I’m really drunk,” he whispered, not knowing whether he was telling Chris or himself.

“I can tell,” Chris sighed. “Why don’t you go to bed? I’ll go get you some water so you can just ghost on the party and not have to say goodbye to anyone down there.”

It took about ten minutes for Chris to return, and the entire time Darren was anxiously wondering if he was downstairs telling the entire house that’d he just had a drunken breakdown and was being sent to bed. But by the time he saw Chris again, walking into his room with that soft smile and those kind, concerned eyes, a glass of ice water in hand that he’d gotten just for Darren, his resolve disappeared and left room only for his deep-rooted neediness. “Can you stay?”

Chris’s brow ruffled for a moment. “What? You mean like, on the couch? I’m not that drunk Darren, and besides I’m getting an Uber home anyways,” he told him. “I’ll pick up my car tomorrow.”

“No,” Darren whimpered. Shit, he was totally going to regret this in the morning but he didn’t care; he just felt so empty and sad and Chris was the only person that knew how to take that feeling away. “Sleep here. Next to me?”

Darren’s heart started racing as the words left his mouth and he thought that maybe Chris had a similar reaction because his eyes widened and he stayed silent for a few moments too long. The two of them stayed still, Darren watching Chris’s face with pleading eyes, Chris looking like he wanted to say something. It was the first time in a very long time that Darren felt like he couldn’t tell what Chris was thinking.

Nevertheless, Chris did give him an answer, eventually. “Okay.”

It took a while, Chris wanting to rummage through Darren’s messy bathroom cabinet for a spare toothbrush and needing to change into sweatpants because he absolutely refused to sleep in skinny jeans, but soon Darren was shutting off the light and the two of them were tentatively crawling under the covers.

“Are you feeling better?” Chris whispered to the back of Darren’s neck, even though Darren himself was already half asleep.

Even in his intoxicated and half asleep state, Darren still had the peace of mind not to answer that question with “ _I am now that you’re here_.” Instead, he nodded even though he knew Chris couldn’t see him and just murmured quietly, “Mmhm.”

The last thing Darren remembered before falling asleep was Chris’s answer, a soft “good,” and a warm body pressing against his back. Chris had moved closer to him and now they were touching.

Later, Darren would replay that moment over and over again in his mind, wondering why Chris had done that and what it had meant, or if it had even meant anything at all. But for now? He simply drifted off to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning Darren woke up with a massive hangover, which wasn’t something he was exactly surprised about, but it didn’t make the situation suck any less.

In fact, he felt so shitty that he couldn’t even bring himself to be embarrassed about crying in front of Chris last night, or the fact that he’d pathetically asked him to spend the night in his bed. And he definitely, absolutely was not thinking about the fact that Chris had accepted his offer, and had snuggled up against his back and stayed that way for most of the night while they slept.

No, he definitely was not concerned with any of that because right now he was dry heaving into the toilet and was positive that Joey, Chris and whoever else had decided to crash last night could hear him and knew exactly what was going on.

It took awhile for his stomach to settle down, but soon he felt okay enough to leave the bathroom and make the trek back across the hallway to his bed.

Where Chris was still laying.

He wasn’t asleep; he was simply lounging against a pillow, arm thrown over his head as he scrolled through his phone. When he heard Darren enter the room however, he locked the phone and let it fall back onto his chest. “I am never drinking again,” he moaned, scrubbing his hands over his face and looking every bit as miserable as Darren felt.

“You’re hungover, too?” Darren asked, feeling way too shitty at the moment to even think twice about the fact that he was sliding back into the same bed that Chris was currently stretched out in. His bed. The movement just felt so natural and there was nothing awkward or weird about it at all. “You seemed fine last night.”

“I was,” Chris groaned. “I think it was the Bacardi shots we took before everyone got there. My body can safely process tequila and tequila only.”

“You are such a strange species, Colfer, I swear,” Darren laughed, despite the way it made his head pound and stomach lurch slightly. “Ugh, I think I’ll be joining you on that sobriety train though.”

He heard Chris snort, despite the fact that he’d just buried himself under the comforter. “That’s what you say every time, and then two nights later you’re back at it.”

Darren smiled. “This is very true, but everyone knows that the best way to get over a hangover is to swear that you’re never drinking again until it goes away. That, and eat an insane amount of greasy food. These are just the facts.”

“Well, we’ve checked one off that list at least. As for the second step, I think whoever is the least brain-dead right now should go downstairs and get started on cooking the rest of the bacon I saw in your fridge the other day.”

“Welp, I just spent the last half half hour puking so you’re up, Colfer.”

Chris groaned. “I should have just kept my mouth shut.”

They wound up staying in bed for another whole hour, trading stories about mutual friends they saw at the party last night and scrolling their Instagram feeds lazily. Every once in a while, one of them would lean over and show the other something they found that was amusing, and they’d both start laughing hysterically, not caring about the fact that they were touching, or about how close they were laying. The whole situation was strangely intimate and so comfortable and Darren couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this relaxed in another person’s presence.

Eventually, Chris and Darren’s low blood sugar and growling stomachs forced them downstairs and into the kitchen, where Joey apparently had the same idea. He glanced up and smiled in that goofy way that was so very Joey and it immediately made Darren feel even more guilty for the way he was reacting to this whole situation. He was truly the definition of an asshole. “Oh, hey dudes! I was just making breakfast,” he announced with way more pep in his voice then one should be capable of mustering after a night of heavy binge drinking. 

A second later however, the interaction turned from casual to slightly awkward as Joey gave them a second glance, looking between Chris and Darren without saying anything, or giving any indication as to why. It was a split-second look in Joey’s eye, most likely invisible to Chris even despite his keen perceptibility, but Darren caught it. Joey thought Darren and Chris had fucked last night. 

But honestly, who could blame him? That’s exactly what it looked like.

Blessedly, however, Joey didn’t call them out on it and for this, Darren was eternally grateful. He’d rather have his roommate think that he and Chris had hooked up than be forced to explain what had really happened was that he'd had a toddler-esque breakdown in response to the news that his best friend’s career was taking off, and that he wouldn’t let Chris leave until he stopped whining and crying about it. 

Yeah, Darren was definitely going to let Joey think he was getting laid because that was a whole lot easier.

“Good,” Darren replied as he and Chris sat down at the tiny kitchen table. “Because I think Chris and I are unable to stay upright for more than thirty seconds right now and I don’t think handling hot grease is a smart option for either of us.”

“Rough night, huh?” Joey smirked knowingly. “I knew I couldn’t leave Darren alone in a room with that much Bacardi without being woken up at 7am with the consequences. Congrats on getting better acquainted with our toilet bowl this morning, dude.”

Darren rolled his eyes, only barely managing to hide his embarrassment. “Seriously? You really have the balls to make a comment like that when we had to get an entirely new couch after your first experience with Jungle Juice at Mich?”

“Listen, I was a freshman in college. That excuse is like, the ultimate free pass for every stupid decision ever made.”

Chris nodded. “He has a point.”

“Thank you Chris!” Joey chirped excitedly, only barely managing to miss flinging bacon grease at the two of him as he pointed his tongs in Chris’s direction. “You always have my back, man.”

Despite the easy conversation and playful banter between the three of them, breakfast was still marginally uncomfortable. Joey kept glancing between Chris and Darren and giving them confused side-eyes that he probably had no idea were as obvious as they were, but to his credit he kept his mouth shut and didn’t ask any questions. 

Darren couldn’t blame him for being confused, though. As Joey knew it, Chris and Darren were just friends. Sure, Darren had whined ad infinitum about his crush when he’d first met Chris, moping and complaining to the point that Joey told him if he didn’t plan on making a move then he no longer wanted to hear about it. But after Darren explained that the two of them had decided they were better off as friends, Joey surprisingly never brought up Darren’s initial feelings again. So, the fact that they’d gone from casually hanging out to suddenly coming down stairs after what appeared to be a night of fucking? It had to seem strange.

\--

Chris left about two hours later, after grabbing a shower and helping Joey and Darren clean their apartment from the remnants of the party last night. He explained to a pouty and protesting Darren that he had an afternoon shift at his catering job and still had to stop at home to get his uniform. Darren wanted to beg him not to leave even though he knew it wasn’t plausible; he truly almost considered asking Chris to call out of work because if he’d been feeling needy last night, that feeling was only worse now (which was concerning considering the fact that he was dead sober at the moment). 

He couldn’t help it, though. The melancholy was practically taking over his brain, leaving him sick to his stomach with sadness. He needed Chris to stay because even if Chris didn’t make that feeling go away, he helped Darren forget about it. His presence was like ice on a burn; though it didn’t heal the injury, it soothed it and made things seem like they were actually okay.

That is, until he had to remove the ice.

As soon as Chris’s car pulled out of the driveway, Darren retreated to his bedroom, citing a headache that had already started to fade by the time Joey asked him if he wanted to partake in an afternoon of Netflix documentary marathoning. Politely declining, Darren closed all the shades in his room against the sunlight, burrowing back under the covers and trying not to think about the fact that Chris had been laying in that exact spot merely hours before. 

He drifted in and out of sleep for hours, tossing and turning and feeling sick from more than just his hangover. It was 8pm and he was still lying in darkness, listening to the stillness of the house which consequently made made it impossible not to overhear Joey's phone call.

It’s not like he would have been able to ignore it anyway; Joey’s celebratory yelling probably could have been heard from down the block. Apparently, he’d gotten part.

Darren pulled the sheets up over his head and went back to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

They say that before you decide to make a significant change in your life, you have to hit a certain kind of rock bottom that motivates you to do so. Everyone’s definition of this point is a little different, but Darren definitely would not hesitate to cite the following month as his own personal rock bottom from hell.

He’d never been more unhappy or unsettled in his entire life. Everything was beginning to feel pointless and some days it was hard to even get out of bed. He’d stopped going to auditions altogether, unable to bear the sight of his casting emails without immediately feeling nauseous. 

Darren’s only reprieve came in the form of his bartending job; he was making pretty fantastic money. Enough to cover his living expenses and even enough to put a little away for later; his previously neglected savings account was steadily filling and it felt good, making him feel secure in a way he hadn’t in awhile.

Well, there were two reprieves, actually. Despite his depression, he and Chris had never been closer. Chris was becoming the only person in Darren’s life he really felt like he could talk to, the only person who understood him. He couldn’t tell if he and Joey were growing apart due to the fact that Darren was having trouble relating to him, or if he was subconsciously distancing himself because he’d been feeling like a shitty best friend. But either way, his relationship with Chris was different than anything he’d ever had with Joey. Darren couldn’t explain it, but he’d never experienced this kind of connection with anyone and he honestly had no idea what he’d do if he’d never met Chris. He needed him. Desperately.

But relying on him that heavily also meant that Chris had the power to make Darren’s entire world come crashing down in a heartbeat. And inevitably, that’s exactly what happened.

It started out like any other Monday night; they were having their regular weekly dinner at their favorite vegan restaurant downtown despite the fact that neither of them were vegan when Chris broke the news. “I have something to tell you.” 

Darren looked up at Chris curiously. “What’s that?” he asked between bites of his edamame falafel. 

“I’m moving,” Chris told him, clipped and without eye contact.

“Hmm, where? Did you and Ashley finally find a place in Burbank?”

Chris gave him a meaningful look and Darren’s heart almost stopped in his chest. Shit, this wasn’t good.

“Darren, you don’t get it. I’m moving to New York,” Chris answered slowly, looking up only to glance at Darren's face for a quick moment. 

Darren almost stood up from their table and started shouting. Almost. “What the fuck? To do what?”

“To write. I have enough money saved up; I’ll be able to make things work until I find another job... but in the meantime, I’m just going to write.” 

Shaking his head, Darren tried to catch his breath, now panicking in earnest. It felt like this news was coming completely out of nowhere. It wasn’t fair that Chris had just dropped this on him without warning. “When were you planning on telling me this? You didn’t even talk to me about it!”

“Darren, I’ve been telling you since we first met that I want to leave LA and go to New York to write.” Well, it was true. They’d had multiple conversations about leaving, about going someplace else where they’d be happy, able to follow their dreams and pursue a career path that they’d actually enjoy. For Darren, these conversations had always been purely hypothetical ways of dealing with his less-than-appealing reality. He didn’t know that Chris had actually been serious.

“Yeah, well... so what? I’ve been saying the same thing, but I never planned on actually doing it!” 

Chris eyed him. “Well, why not?”

That threw Darren off. “...What?”

“We both know you’re unhappy, Darren. You’re just as unhappy living here as I am. If you don’t like it, then leave. You could... come to New York with me?”

Darren raised his eyebrows, not having expected that suggestion at all. “No fucking way, are you kidding me, man?”

Chris shrugged, staying silent but still looking at Darren hopefully.

“I can’t just go to New York! What the hell would I do there?” Darren shook his head vigorously. Was Chris going out of his mind? “I don’t even want to act anymore and I haven’t gone to an audition in months. I’m done fooling myself because the only thing it leads to are disappointments.”

Chris eyed Darren suspiciously. “Who said you had to act? You’re talented, Darren. I’m sure there’s something else in New York for you.”

“There’s really not, though. New York is just like LA. It’s for people who are actually good at what they do. I have a degree in acting and what is it good for? It didn’t make me any better at it than I was in high school. I can’t go with you, Chris.” Darren was barely managing to hold himself together during the rant before his voice cracked. “Please don’t leave me.”

Darren swore he saw Chris’s eyes tear up before he reached out for his shaking hand. “Darren, I already found an apartment. My lease at Ashley’s place is up and I put down the deposit on my new place like a week ago. I’ve just been trying to figure out a way to tell you. I’m sorry.”

“Chris...” Darren whimpered, his heart racing in panic. This couldn’t be happening. “You’re all I have here. If you leave... I have nothing.”

“Darren, you’re being melodramatic. You’re just in a rut.”

Darren wanted to start begging, to plead with Chris not to go but he knew he just couldn’t. It was selfish to ask Chris to stay; it wasn’t fair that just because Darren was too afraid to change his life for the better that he should hold Chris back as well. But lately Darren felt like his life had started to crumble around him - the only safe, stable thing he’d been relying on had been Chris, and now he was leaving, too?  
It didn’t matter. Chris deserved to be happy, and if that meant moving to New York, then Darren should support his decision.

He just wished he could be as brave as Chris.

“I’m sorry, you’re right,” Darren sighed, turning his hand over so he could squeeze Chris's. “If this is what you think is best, then you need to do it.” He couldn't fight back the tears any longer; despite the fact that he was happy for Chris, he still felt like his entire world was falling apart. “I’ll miss you, though.”

Chris watched Darren sadly, almost pityingly. “I’ll miss you too. But we can still keep in touch? That’s the beauty of social media, right?”

Darren narrowly avoided rolling his eyes. If he’d learned anything from college, it was how rarely people stay in touch once they move away. The only people he still regularly talked to were the Starkids, and even their communication had been limited due to the fact that they hadn’t really done any events or cons in over a year. People he had been close to on graduation day, people he’d thought would be in his life forever and probably even at his damn wedding, had completely faded from his life within the past two years. But hey, that was just a part of growing up, right? 

And Darren knew in his gut that this was exactly what was going to happen between him and Chris, and the realization felt like a knife being twisted straight into his stomach. 

Feebly, Darren nodded at Chris’s expectant gaze, not even really knowing what he was agreeing to at that point. His appetite gone, he stood up from the table on shaking legs. “I think maybe I should go home now.”

Chris whipped his head up. “Oh come on Darren, don’t be like that.”

“I just... I just need some time to think, okay?”

"Darren, you'll be fine. I know it'll take a little time to adjust, but-" 

He barely heard him, already walking as fast as he possibly could towards the exit. He swallowed heavily against his tears as he got in his car. Darren’s breathing was erratic and he knew needed to calm himself down if he planned on making it home safely, even though he was starting to feel a panic attack coming on 

Perhaps he really was being dramatic. Darren had already made the decision to support Chris and right now, he was doing the exact opposite of that. Storming out of a restaurant in near tears because your friend told you they were taking the necessary steps to follow their dream? It was childish. 

But despite the fact that Darren was perfectly aware that he was overreacting, he just couldn’t stop the awful, terrifying thoughts as they began to enter into his mind. 

Chris seemed to have absolutely no qualms about leaving. Logically, Darren couldn’t blame him given the fact that they’d had multiple conversations about their mutual distaste for LA. But still, he wished Chris had expressed at least some reservations about leaving him behind. He’d thought that their friendship had meant something special to Chris, but apparently it hadn’t. It was clear that Darren needed Chris a lot more than Chris needed Darren, and the thought made him sick to his stomach. 

In retrospect, Darren had no one to blame but himself. Chris had given them the chance to be something more, had expressed every interest in taking their relationship to a romantic level when they’d first met. But Darren was the reason they were still just friends; Darren had rejected him. And why? Because he had been scared. 

When the hell was he going to stop being so scared?

It took several minutes of forcing his mind to focus on other things so that he could avoid falling into a full on meltdown, at least until he made it safely home. He didn’t want to have to call Joey to come pick him up - he'd been a shitty enough friend to Joey lately as it was and he didn’t need to inconvenience him any further than he already had. Darren took a few breaths in through his nose and out through him mouth before he felt his heart and lungs begin to settle. Shaking his head to clear it of the fog, he pulled his car out of its spot and prayed that he made it home in one piece, even though he knew he really shouldn’t be driving right now.

In all honesty, Darren simply did not care. Everything felt so pointless at the moment that he wasn’t worried about his future, or what happened to him at all. He didn’t want to stop living, really... he just wanted to go someplace where his failure as a human begin didn’t matter so much; where he could ignore the fact that his heart was broken into a million pieces, where he could just be numb and never have to feel anything at all.

At this moment in time, Darren had nothing and no one. He’d lost everything and there was absolutely nobody to blame but himself. He wasn’t sure where exactly he’d fucked up so monumentally, but he couldn’t say he was surprised because it turned out that the voice that constantly whispered in the back of his mind, that person in his head that told him he was worthless… it had been right all along.


	8. Chapter 8

For the next week, Darren did almost nothing but sleep. He called out sick from work even though he needed the money. He barely ate even though he was hungry. He avoided talking to everyone as much as possible even though he could feel the loneliness taking over his brain; neglecting his innate need to be around people was zapping him of all energy and motivation. It felt self-destructive and wrong, but he couldn’t stop because getting out of bed felt like a momentous effort in and of itself, and he just couldn’t find a good enough reason to do it. 

So he didn’t.

Skating by on the excuse that he was sick had worked for almost everyone that he needed to feed the lie to. Ashley got a friend to help cover his shifts at the bar, Joey was on a tight shooting schedule and was almost never home anyway, and of course, all of his “actor friends” had no interest in catching his germs and getting sick themselves, so he was essentially left completely alone for six whole days.

There was one person he couldn’t hide from, however. And despite the missed calls and ignored texts, he still showed up to Darren’s place early Saturday afternoon, unrelentingly pounding on the door and refusing to go away, despite the fact that Darren didn’t give a single indication that he was actually even home.

Chris had been knocking on the door for ten minutes; Darren knew it was Chris because he had been texting and calling him for the past two hours. “Are you okay?” “I’m coming over,” “I’m outside,” “I know you’re in there,” and finally, “Please Darren.”

Darren couldn’t pretend he wasn’t elated that Chris had sought him out. One of his biggest fears had been that he’d never see Chris again after he stormed out of that restaurant. He’d been terrified that Chris had decided to cut him out early, to just rip off the bandaid now and get it over with. But he hadn’t - he’d come back, and it didn’t seem like he was going away anytime soon.

Still, it felt easier to just pretend Chris wasn’t there at all. Darren was going to have to get used to life without Chris very soon, and he knew it was best to start as soon as possible, but...

Maybe one last goodbye couldn’t hurt?

Peeling himself from his bed, he walked his tired, aching body through the apartment and to his door. He took a deep breath and opened it to to find Chris, whose expression quickly shifted from a pleasant, familiar smile to absolute concern as he looked Darren up and down. "Wow, so you weren’t lying to Joey about being sick? You look like absolute shit.”

Darren couldn’t tell if he should be offended, but he was sure Chris was right. Either way, he ignored the comment. “Why are you here?”

Chris sighed. “Can I come in?”

Darren stepped out of the way and followed Chris into his living room, the two of them plopping down onto the couch simultaneously, as they’d done so many times before. It made Darren’s heart clench at the thought that they may never do it again. God. Why the fuck had he opened that door?

“I’m gonna cut out the bullshit and just get straight to the point. Here.” Chris handed Darren a piece of paper and Darren took it hesitantly, curiously reading the words. “A plane ticket?”

“Yeah. I bought you a round-trip plane ticket. I’m leaving in a week and I need someone to help me move in. Ashley isn’t going to be able to get away due to her filming schedule for the next month and... I figured you could use a vacation? You can stay with me in my new apartment and I’ll show you around the city a little...” Chris trailed off.

Darren narrowed his eyes, a little suspicious of Chris's motives. “You’re not going to convince me to move to New York, if that’s what this is all about.” 

“No, no I know. I just... please, Darren?” Chris asked in a small voice, reaching for Darren’s wrist and giving it a quick squeeze before quickly pulling back, refusing to make eye contact as Darren’s gaze bored into him.

Honestly, it surprised him that Chris didn’t have some kind of long, elaborate speech planned. Here he was, dramatically showing up on his doorstep with a plane ticket that he was practically demanding Darren accept. Here he was, asking that Darren drop everything for an entire week to fly across the country and help him move into an apartment that he suspected Chris didn’t actually need help moving into. What was he up to?

In that moment however, Darren found he couldn’t refuse Chris. First of all, it wasn’t like leaving Los Angeles for a week would be very hard at the moment - he didn’t exactly have a lot going for him here. Second of all, Darren would accept any excuse in the book to spend some more time with Chris. Even if that time was only a day, an hour, a fucking minute, Darren knew he’d never say no. An entire week spent with Chris, alone in his new apartment in New York felt like heaven compared to spending another minute in Los Angeles, especially given the fact that Chris was no longer going to be there to make the city feel like it was worth his while.

“Okay,” Darren finally acquiesced, pretending like he was thinking hard about accepting the proposal even though he knew he’d be coming along the moment he realized Chris had handed him a plane ticket. “I’ll come.”

“Yay!” Chris squealed, bouncing in his seat and smiling in that adorable toothy way he always did when he was really happy. “Don’t think I’m gonna make this easy for you, though. I’m going to put you to work.”

Darren grinned, feeling the prickings of excitement begin to make their way through the foggy sadness that he’d been trapped in for the past week. “Okay, that’s fine.”

Chris’s eyes softened as he looked at Darren’s face. “I hope a week is long enough for you to start feeling better? You look pretty sick.”

Darren kept his mouth shut, unwilling to relay the fact that he wasn’t sick. “I’ll be fine. Just a little under the weather.”

Chris clucked his teeth sympathetically, reaching over to brush his hand through Darren’s messy hair. The action was so simple and intimate, yet it felt so right It made Darren want to lean in and kiss Chris until he couldn’t breathe while simultaneously making him want to jump off the couch and bolt out the door.

Fuck. Darren was so, so screwed.

Chris went from running his fingers through Darren’s curls to squeezing his shoulder affectionately. “Why don’t you lay down? I’ll go make you some tea.”

Chris left the room and Darren plopped down onto the couch, already formulating a plan in his head. By the time Chris returned with his drink, Darren knew exactly what he was going to do. It was something he’d been considering for a long time, and now was the perfect time to do it. 

“Hey, do you think we can change the destination for that return flight? I don’t think I’ll be coming back to LA any time soon.”

\--

“I’m moving back to Michigan.”

Joey eyed Darren in shock, just as Darren knew he would. Nevertheless, he was determined to remain firm; he’d taken a few days to make this decision and he knew it was what was right. He just hoped Joey would let him make it easy.

“Why?” Joey asked, his voice loud and surprised. He was obviously shocked and Darren couldn’t blame him; the whole thing was kind of out of nowhere. Darren hadn’t given any indication to Joey that he was thinking of leaving, and truly this was probably something he should have discussed with his roommate beforehand. But Darren had already made his decision and he wasn’t going to let anyone convince him otherwise.

“I’m going back. I talked to Lauren, she’s letting me crash at her place for a while until she graduates and then we’re going to get an apartment together.” Darren took a breath, trying to find the words to explain. “I can’t do this anymore, man. LA just isn’t for me. Acting isn’t for me. I’m not happy here.”

“So what’s in Michigan that’ll make you happier?”

That’s where Darren paused, unable to answer. Truthfully, Michigan was the only place he could think of to go off the top of his head. He couldn’t stay in New York with Chris - that was something he refused to even consider. The commitment was too huge; if LA wasn’t for him, then New York sure as fuck wasn’t, either. He was decent at acting, but deep down he just knew he didn’t have what it took to be successful in New York. And even if he did? Well, he was too scared to try, if he was being honest with himself. He was tired of his dreams being crushed, sick of his idealism being broken after it had been built up so high in college. It was easier to just settle for mediocrity. 

Besides, Michigan was his safe place, where most of his friends from college still lived. He knew he could find a job there; he was thinking that maybe he’d continue the bartending thing. It wasn’t the most solid plan in the world, but... it was a change, and a change is definitely what he needed.

...And if Michigan was in a decent enough proximity to Chris that Darren would be able to make semi-regular visits well... that was certainly a plus. 

“I don’t know, but I can’t be here anymore, Joey,” Darren explained calmly. “Chris is moving to New York... I’m going to help him move into his new apartment and then I’m going to fly to Michigan. Let’s face it, dude. I’m destined for mediocrity. Maybe I’ll even go back to school eventually? I could get a business degree and open my own bar. Anything is better than this.”

Joey shook his head, looking more and more upset with every word Darren spoke. “Darren, do you even hear yourself right now? Business school? Are you kidding? We both know that’s not you. You love acting, and just because you’re feeling disenchanted with LA, it doesn’t mean you should drop everything you’ve worked so hard for.”

Darren knew Joey wouldn’t understand, but unfortunately, Darren couldn’t force him to. This decision wasn’t being made solely on the basis of needing a change of scenery. It was an amalgamation of circumstances that Darren simply couldn’t put into words. “I’m sorry man. I just have to do this. Our lease is up in two weeks and we both know you don’t need me for the rent anymore. Just... support me, okay?”

Joey sighed, his shoulders slumping in defeat. “I think you’re making a huge mistake, but I guess there’s no way I’m going to be able to change your mind, is there?”

Darren lowered his eyes and shook his head. “No.”

Joey reached out, plopping a hand onto Darren’s shoulder and bringing him in for a hug. “Good luck, dude. I hope you find whatever it is that you’re looking for.” He squeezed him tighter. “Call me as soon as you get to Michigan. Actually, call me when you get to New York, too. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

Darren held onto Joey tightly, willing himself not to get emotional. He was doing that far too often lately. “I will, I promise. You’re the best, Joey.”

“I know.”


	9. Chapter 9

A week later and Chris and Darren were finally boarding their flight to New York.

By this time, Darren felt invigorated; alive in a way he hadn’t been in weeks. He’d never done anything this spontaneous before, and finally escaping the clutches of a town that had literally been dragging him down for two years felt incredible. He was suddenly excited, no longer dreading waking up in the morning but actually looking forward to what the future might hold for him.

The fact that he was getting to spend an entire week with Chris when he’d been sure he’d lost him forever might have had a lot to do with this as well, but either way, the feeling was incredible.

The two of them spent the grueling six hour flight alternating between using each other’s shoulders as makeshift pillows and arguing over which Netflix show to binge watch next. The journey ended at JFK airport, where the two of them stepped off the plane, woozy from the long flight and still half asleep. They took a cab, having booked a hotel for the next two days until Chris could get the keys from his new landlord and give his stuff ample time to arrive, since he’d used a cross-country mover and the truck wasn’t set to arrive until two days later.

New York was every bit as gorgeous as Darren had remembered. He’d been to the city less than he would have liked; only about five times in college and once as a small child, but he knew that he always wound up loving the city a little more each and every single time he visited. While Chris had been sleeping for the last hour stretch of the flight, Darren had been excitedly buzzing in his seat, peeking out the window when the city finally came into view and falling just a little bit more in love with the glittering lights as the plane flew over them. Chris had snuffled in his sleep where he was curled against Darren’s side, mumbling something and drooling a little on his shirt. 

Darren hadn’t been this happy in a very long time.

When they finally checked into their hotel, the first thing Chris wanted to do was sleep, which was weird, because how could Chris want to sleep in New York?! It was the city that never sleeps for a reason, after all. Darren scurried to the window, drawing back the curtains and admiring the beautiful view of the buildings he could see. “Come on, Chris, let’s go get pizza or something?” he begged, anxious to rediscover the city again, remembering that it was always particularly beautiful at night. 

“How about you go get pizza while I sleep? I’m exhausted, Darren,” Chris groaned, crawling into the bed and starting to nestle down under the covers.

“You slept plenty on the plane! I should know. My shirt still has the drool-stains to prove it.”

Chris was so tired that he didn’t even blush. “Goodnight, Darren. I’ll talk to you when I’m actually conscious. Enjoy that pizza.”

Darren sighed, turning around to plop his carry-on bag onto his bed. Wait. “Chris, where’s my bed?”

Chris peeked out from under the covers and this time, he actually did blush. “Oh, um. I had already booked the room before I asked you to come with me and I kind of forgot to swap it out for two beds?” He sat up in bed, looking a bit distressed. “Shit, I’m sorry. I’ll go downstairs and have them change it...”

Darren rolled his eyes. “Shut up, Chris. You said you were tired, so just sleep. I can deal with two nights of sleeping in the same bed as you. It’s not like we haven’t done it before.”

Chris was still blushing, but seemed satisfied with Darren’s response. “Fine, if you’re sure.” He plopped back onto the bed and was snoring within minutes, something that was extremely rare for Chris. He usually laid in bed, wide awake for hours before falling asleep. Damn, he must not have been lying when he’d said he was exhausted.

Darren felt the corners of his mouth twist up affectionately as he watched Chris sleep. He made his way towards where Chris was lying and pulled the covers up over his friend so that they covered his shoulders a bit more, essentially tucking him in against the chilly, air-conditioned hotel room. Turning off their bedside lamp, he left the blinds open just enough so that the lights of the city outside illuminated the room enough for Darren to be able to see his way around when he returned. With one final glance at Chris, he shoved their room key into his pocket and slipped out the door, excited to see what the city had in store for him.

Chris had booked a cheap hotel room in Hell’s Kitchen, which thankfully wasn’t too far away from Times Square. It was still a decent walk, but Darren appreciated the extra time to explore. This section of the city was a bit dark compared to the rest, but even at midnight it still felt like so much was happening. It was a hard feeling to explain, but there was something about New York that felt electric; there was an energy all around him and Darren was soaking it all in as if it seeped into his every pore. It was like walking down the street with headphones while listening to your favorite song, except there wasn’t any music playing at all.

Darren took a deep breath and despite the smog, he felt like he was taking his first real breath in months, maybe years. He just felt... right.

Eventually, his intuition and vague knowledge of the city’s grid led him to Times Square. He smiled as tourists excitedly bustled all around him, rushing about as if it were the middle of the day. Everyone had a smile on their face, stopping to take pictures of the tall buildings and selfies with the scenic background. If Darren had felt energized on walk before, it was nothing compared to how he felt now.

He allowed himself to take it all in; Times Square really wasn’t very impressive after you’ve seen it a few times, but Darren was almost enjoying the crowd around him more than the actual place itself. Everyone just seemed so... _happy_. It was an unfamiliar feeling for Darren now, overwhelming, but in the best way possible.

He made his way through the crowd and traffic, crossing over onto 47th street and heading down the block, taking time to admire the theaters and already making plans to drag Chris to a show at some point, raw excitement at the prospect of seeing another live musical or play suddenly filling him. He stopped outside one theater in particular and looked up, staring at the name on the marque.

He remembered that there had been a point in his life, a long time ago, when he’d dreamed of someday being on Broadway. Those dreams were long gone of course, reality having set in pretty quickly when he realized that the chances of him succeeding in such a way were rather impossible. Still, it had been nice to fantasize back then.

Darren sighed; at one time, thoughts such as these would have brought him a sense of melancholy. But now, here in this moment, it was practically impossible for him to feel sad. He shook his head, forcing himself to forget these thoughts for the time being and simply live in the present, something that he rarely did.

Darren walked around the city for almost two more hours, making his way to all the nearby landmarks and mapping out the route that he would force Chris to take with him when they explored the city together. Rockefeller Center, Central Park, The Highline, and any other cliche tourist trap that Darren could come up with - it was imperative that they do it all, that they soak up every last bit of New York City before it was time for Darren to leave.

_Fuck_. Darren still had to leave.

On his way back to the hotel, an extra slice of pizza in hand for Chris in case he woke up and wanted a snack, Darren allowed himself to get lost in thought. Eight days. Eight days before Darren had to board a flight to Michigan and leave Chris and New York forever; well, if not forever, then at least for a very long time, until he could afford a plane ticket to fly back and visit. Darren sighed. He needed to make these last few days count, and maybe that meant doing something that still terrified him to his very core.

He needed to tell Chris how he felt.

Darren shuddered, his stomach knotting in anxiety at the mere thought of discussing his feelings with Chris. Truth be told, if Darren had it his way he’d burst into that hotel room right now, wake Chris up and tell him that he was falling in love with him, that he wanted to live here in New York with him forever. He’d kiss Chris and tell him how much he needed him, how special he was and how important he’d been in Darren’s life for the past few months. He’d apologize for making Chris wait, for confusing him in the first place and he’d promise to make up for their lost time. 

But he couldn’t.

He wasn’t sure exactly what was holding him back. All Darren knew was that the mere thought of doing any of those things made him want to throw up. He couldn’t explain it logically, but there had always been an intense fear that he associated with relationships. It wasn’t a fear of commitment, really. It was a fear that he would fuck things up; that something would go wrong and he’d wind up alone and heartbroken. He couldn’t let something like that happen. Things between him and Chris were fine just the way they were, so why should he complicate them?

Still, the voice of fear that resounded in his head was almost deafened by his intense longing for something more with Chris. He needed something that he couldn’t put into words and his desire to love Chris openly and without limitations grew stronger every day. It almost made him fearless, like anything bad that might happen was worth it as long he got to experience what it was like to kiss Chris, to hold him close, their bodies tangled warmly and tight together.

As Darren finally entered their hotel room, changing into some flannel pajama bottoms and making quick work of brushing his teeth, he watched Chris’s face carefully as he climbed into bed next to him. If Chris would allow it, Darren could have him - could love him with abandon, if only he got the nerve to say the words that had been on the tip of his tongue since the day they met.

He could do this. 

Tomorrow. Darren would definitely tell him tomorrow.


	10. Chapter 10

Darren was convinced that the city of New York must have had some weird kind of drug in its air last night, because by the time he woke up the next morning, all of the bravery he had been feeling before he went to bed felt like it had completely dissipated from his body.

He was sitting across the table from Chris in a diner, the two of them finishing up their breakfasts of pancakes and eggs. Darren had been trying to compose a decent sentence in his head that would lead them into the desired topic of conversation, but he was coming up blank and the more he thought about it, the more nervous and weary it made him. What if he said the wrong thing? What if he completely misstepped and caused Chris to lash out? Maybe Chris didn’t even have feelings for him anymore and Darren would be the one rejected this time? That would make the entire upcoming week pretty fucking awkward, to say the least, especially given the fact that they needed to share a bed for one more night.

Maybe it really was better for him to just keep his damn mouth shut for once.

Either Chris was psychic or all of this mental deliberation was clear on Darren’s face, because Chris suddenly snapped him out of his panicked thoughts. “Darren? Is something wrong?”

Darren looked up into Chris’s concerned face and sputtered stupidly for a moment. “N-no? Why do you ask?”

“You look upset, and you’re doing that thing you do with your hands when you’re nervous,” Chris pointed out softly, gesturing to Darren’s hands where his fingers were knotting together. “Is something on your mind?”

Oh, shit. Now was his chance, he could say something right now. This was his moment, the opportunity he’d been waiting for and he needed to take it. “Uh, well...”

He couldn’t do it. “Nah, I’m just trying to figure out where we should go today?” he finished lamely, internally berating himself with frustration and disappointment that he’d chickened out _again_.

Chris eyed Darren suspiciously for a moment before going back to his breakfast. “Not sure, really. I figured we could just walk around and go from there? New York is pretty good for that kind of thing, after all.”

“Sounds good to me.” Darren just managed to stop himself from heaving out a sigh. Maybe he’d get another chance later? He was going to be here for another week after all. Unfortunately, Darren feared that if he didn’t say something soon then he never would, and that thought terrified him even more than the notion of actually telling Chris how he felt. He knew which one he’d prefer, so why couldn’t he just bite the bullet and do it? He was growing angry at himself, all the while trying to hide it from an ever observant Chris, who luckily didn’t seem to be paying attention to him enough to notice at the moment.

“I definitely want to try to make it to Rockefeller Center at some point? They have an observation deck that we can get tickets for... That’d be fun right?” Chris asked, looking up to smile at Darren hopefully.

Darren felt his heart flutter a bit as they made eye contact. The top of Rockefeller Center, with a gorgeous view of the entirety of New York City in front of them? That’d be a perfect place for his confession, right? _Right_. “Of course. I’d love that.”

They began their day with a walk through Central Park. It was a gorgeous late-summer morning and already there was so much happening. The park was packed with people, with tourists, with residents of the city, and of course, with countless buskers, each doing something a little bit more ridiculous than the last in an attempt to make a quick buck. Darren found he couldn’t stop smiling, and the feeling that he’d experienced last night started filling his veins again. This time, however, it didn’t take Darren long to realize that what was happening to him was simple, pure, unaffected happiness, something that had become so elusive to Darren that he was apparently unable to properly identify it. That is, until now.

Darren was so lost in thought that he barely registered Chris looping his arm around his own until he pulled their bodies closer together, nearly causing him to trip. The two of them laughed as Darren stumbled slightly, Chris squeezing Darren where he was almost completely wrapped around him. “Having fun?” he asked.

A bit confused, Darren felt his eyebrow raise as he attempted to make eye contact with Chris, which proved difficult given how close together they were smushed as they walked. “Yeah? Why do you ask?”

“You’re smiling like an idiot.” Darren’s bewilderment must have shown on his face because a moment later Chris added, “I like it.”

Darren wasn’t sure how to respond to that so he shrugged helplessly, feeling his cheeks heat up at having been caught smiling at nothing.

“Don’t be embarrassed,” Chris laughed, giving Darren a little shove despite the fact he was still clinging to his arm. “You just look really happy right now. It’s nice to see.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Darren told him truthfully. “But uh, thanks?”

Chris laughed but didn’t respond, continuing to tug Darren by his arm through the park. It really was a gorgeous day, not as humid as it usually would be this time of year. It was sunny and warm and for some reason, it felt so different compared to how the weather usually felt in LA. While it was true that LA’s weather was gorgeous almost all of the time, it felt more rewarding in New York because the weather here was a toss up. It could go from sunny and gorgeous to dark and rainy within a matter of hours, and it felt like weather this gorgeous was fleeting, meaning that they needed to soak it up and enjoy it now while it lasted.

From Central Park they headed west, passing the Natural History Museum and vowing to go another day. They walked south along the river line, simply talking and enjoying each other’s company. Chris had since stopped clinging to Darren’s arm, and this made the temptation on Darren’s part to hold his hand all the more real. He didn’t, though, still too nervous, still waiting for the right “moment.” It was only serving to make him more anxious, but he managed to tamp it down, not wanting to spend the whole day worrying when he should be having fun.

Having gotten their fill of watching boats and bikers, they crossed over, making their way to the Broadway theaters. Darren had begged Chris to go see a show with him, and they decided to try their hand at a lotto before they bought overpriced tickets. Surprisingly, they actually wound up winning two decent seats at their first choice for the afternoon matinee. The performance wasn’t for another two hours, so they continued on their way. Darren pointed out and named all the theaters they passed without even having to look, switching between telling Chris little fun facts about each one and going on elaborate rants about the shows they were currently running.

Darren was beginning to feel his throat go raw with how much he’d been talking when Chris suddenly started to laugh a little, watching Darren with a bemused expression as they stopped at a hot dog stand for some water. “What’s so funny?” Darren asked, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious as Chris continued to watch him with laugh-wrinkled eyes.

Chris shook his head, taking a sip of the water bottle Darren had just handed him. “Nothing’s funny. You’re just cute. You’re really passionate about theater, aren’t you?”

That hadn’t been what Darren was expecting Chris to say at all. “Is it that obvious?”

“Yeah, it really, really is,” Chris told him. “You’ve barely taken a breath to stop talking about all things Broadway-related since we stepped into the theater district. Remind me again why you’re not pursuing this?”

It was a question that had been in the back of Darren’s mind for years, something he’d been asking himself since he first chose his major in college. “I’m not any good at it. And besides, how many people actually succeed in that field? You basically just have to get lucky.”

“Darren,” Chris started, his voice a little tight. “First of all, not only are you an incredible actor, but you’re also a really, really gifted singer. I’ve seen your performances from college, remember? They’re all over YouTube. You and I both know that you do not ‘suck at it.’” Darren was about to protest, but Chris quickly cut him off. “Second of all, if everyone let the fear of failure stop them from pursuing their dreams, then there wouldn’t be any actors that made it to Broadway, now would there?”

Darren’s argument died on his lips. Chris had a point.

“Someone has to go up there and perform every night. Why can’t you be one of them?”

Darren didn’t like how Chris was planting this seed of hope in his head. They were words he’d never allowed himself to believe before. Even when he’d been an actor trying out for movies and TV shows, he never really truly believed it was something he could be wildly successful at. Decent roles here and there that helped him pay the bills were all he ever really expected. But Chris was right; someone had to do it, so why couldn’t Darren?

Regardless, the voice in the back of his mind that told him he just wasn’t good enough was still the loudest of all. He didn’t deserve it. He was destined for mediocrity at that was just a fact that he was going to have to learn to accept.

Instead of arguing with Chris like he felt tempted to, he decided a rapid change of subject was the better option. “Hey, it’s getting near lunchtime. Where do you wanna eat?”

\--

They got lunch at a small cafe near their theater, hungrily ploughing through soup and sandwiches pretty quickly. They still had some time before they could enter the theater, so Chris dragged Darren to a cupcake bakery with a good reputation, and Darren had never loved Chris more because it was truly the tastiest cupcake he’d ever eaten in his entire life. 

The musical they’d chosen had clearly been the perfect choice. Darren was shaking by the end of the second act, so overwhelmed by the incredible performance that he was actually having trouble speaking when he and Chris finally exited the theater.

The feeling that Darren always experienced after seeing a musical or play was something that was impossible to describe. He could only relate to other people on this level when they were theater geeks as well, because unless you possessed a passion for theater then you just didn’t get it. Luckily, Chris seemed to be able to tap into this wavelength with Darren and seemed equally enchanted, the two of them excitedly chattering about each and every technicality once the initial shock had faded.

Darren was on a high for the rest of the evening. The infectiously peppy songs from the show were still caught in his head by the time the sun began to set, and he was still feeling inspired as they bought their tickets for the Rockefeller Center observation deck. He was pumping himself up, telling himself that this was where he’d finally tell Chris what he’d been wanting to tell him for months. He was finally going to tell Chris that he was falling in love with him.

No. Not “falling” in love. Darren was _in love_ with Chris. He had to be. Darren had never truly been in love before; his relationships before meeting Chris had all been casual and mostly meaningless. But... if this wasn’t love then what else could it be? He’d never felt this strongly for someone; he cared about Chris so much than he cared about himself. He was always thinking of him, always concerned for his happiness and safety. Just the thought of Chris made Darren giddy, like stupidly giddy to the point that he constantly felt like smiling and dancing and doing dumb shit like screaming out the window about how happy he was. He loved everything about Chris; the good and the bad and everything in between and he was positive that if he ever had to make the choice between Chris’s happiness and his own, he would do anything to make sure it was Chris’s happiness that prevailed. Darren would do absolutely anything for Chris.

And he was going to tell him all of this. Tonight. 

He kept up this nerve throughout the entirety of their wait in line, but by the time they made it to the top, his resolve was shaky. They may have been standing at the glass window with the glittering lights of New York City in front of them but still, Darren only had eyes for Chris. He tried to stop himself from turning to look at his face every few minutes, tried to encourage himself to continue when he began a sentence but it immediately died on his lips. This was his chance and he was fucking blowing it.

Luckily, Chris didn’t seem to notice Darren’s inner turmoil, too busy taking pictures of the skyline with his phone and posting them on Instagram and just appreciating the view in general. Unfortunately, the view was the last thing on Darren’s mind as he stared out through the glass, feeling trapped and useless, detached in the most frustrating way possible. Yet again, he was letting fear hold him back.

He contented himself with the conclusion that perhaps now was not the time, that it would be disrespectful to Chris to confess his love in public, surrounded by people during what should be a private moment between the two of them. Besides, in a situation like this, Chris might feel obligated to react positively in case other people were listening - he deserved to be able to freely express his true reaction without the added pressure of being in the middle of a group of nosey tourists.

Besides, a love confession while overlooking the skyline of New York City at night? It just doesn’t get cheesier or more stereotypical than that.

Darren was quiet on their walk back to the hotel, lost deep in thought but at the same time trying not to analyze what he was about to do too closely. He knew that if he allowed himself to stay on this path of overthinking then he would wind up talking himself out of his plan. The thought of going another day without Chris knowing, the thought of another day of these words being on the tip of his tongue but never allowing them to leave his mouth was almost more torturous than the thought of Chris rejecting him entirely. _Almost_.

By the time they made it back to their hotel, Chris had already asked him if he was okay about three times but that was fine. The second they stepped out of the elevator, his heart began beating too fast and too hard with adrenaline and he could barely hear himself think over the thumping in his ears, but he was ready.

Chris was about to use the keycard to open the door of their hotel when Darren grabbed his hand, prompting Chris to turn around with slightly widened, surprised eyes. “What’s up?” he asked tentatively.

“I had a really great time today. Thanks for bringing me here,” he told Chris without letting go of his hand.

Chris smiled. “See? I told you you’d love it here.”

Everything Darren had been planning to say instantly rushed out of his head. All he could do was inch closer to Chris, all the while staring down at his lips and not trying to hide this fact in the least. “I think I mostly loved it because you were here with me.”

Darren was now so close to Chris that it would only take a few more inches for them to touch, but Chris wasn’t backing up or doing anything to pull away. Instead, he was staring down into Darren’s eyes, a neutral expression on his face, but their hands were still tightly clasped together. A moment later however, his entire face lit up, and he giggled in that adorable, rare way. “That makes sense.”

Darren bit his tongue, deciding to stop stalling and to just get it over with. “C-can I do something that I’ve been wanting to do for a really long time?” he asked Chris.

He had fully been planning on waiting for Chris’s answer, not wanting to kiss Chris if he didn’t want him to. Before he knew it however, Chris was surging down and suddenly their lips were pressed together, Chris’s other hand wrapping around Darren’s waist and pulling their bodies close. It took him a moment to get over the initial shock but soon Darren was kissing back, sucking Chris’s lower lip into his mouth and opening his mouth even wider, their lips slickly sliding together.

Darren had never really been one for kissing. He didn’t get much of a thrill out of it and preferred cuddling or holding hands as a means of showing affection for his partner. He’d always been a tactile person and kissing just was never enough for him. But kissing Chris was different in a way he hadn’t expected. It just felt so good - Darren felt a surge of ecstasy rush through his system as soon as their lips met and suddenly kissing wasn’t enough in a different way than it had been before. He wanted to kiss Chris until neither of them could breathe, but he also wanted everything else; wanted to touch him and hold and and feel him and never stop kissing him because this feeling was akin to nothing he’d ever felt before in his life. 

Darren felt blood begin to pool below his belt and he could barely stop himself as he slid his tongue into Chris’s mouth, deepening their kiss as arousal began to flood his body. Before he knew it, Chris’s tongue was pressed against his own and they were sloppily making out against the door of their hotel, Darren pushing Chris up against it as he felt him tightly grip his hips on either side.

Unable to stop the moan that left his mouth as Chris pressed their lower bodies together, Darren pulled away long enough to speak. “We should- uh, inside?”

Chris opened his eyes, and this close Darren could see how wide his pupils had blown, almost completely hiding the green and blue color. “Yeah, I- yes. Hold on,” Chris managed as he fished the card from his pocket, clumsily sliding it into the door and grabbing Darren’s wrist as soon as it opened, tugging him quickly into the room. Darren immediately pushed Chris against the back of it, kissing him even deeper, trying to convey without words everything he was feeling, everything he’d been holding in since the day they met. He just prayed Chris was receiving the correct message.

Darren was attempting to take charge, but Chris was having none of it as he took hold of Darren’s hips, pushing him backwards until the backs of his knees hit the bed. He felt pressure on his shoulders, hands pressing him down. Darren felt a jolt in his stomach at being manhandled this way - his realization that the sexual attraction must have been mutual for Chris to have reacted to his kiss this way making his limbs buzz with excitement. He shushed the voice in the back of his head that wondered if Chris returned his emotional feelings as well, and chose to store that worry away for later, to instead simply enjoy what was happening right now.

And enjoy it he did; Darren laid back on the bed and immediately Chris was on top of him, the warm, steady weight of his body, so much bigger than his, pressing him down into the mattress and making him feel more grounded than he’d had in months. Their kisses were misplaced by this point, the two of them repeatedly missing each other’s mouths and accidentally kissing cheeks, jaws, noses but it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was that Darren was finally getting to feel what it was like to kiss Chris and unsurprisingly, it wasn’t a disappointment in the least.

Their frantic kissing progressed quickly; Chris was sucking the skin of Darren’s neck into his mouth when he felt it, their crotches pressed together for just a moment and Darren was immediately aware of that fact that they were both hard and straining in their jeans. Heart hammering, Darren wondered if Chris would be willing to go further because once they did, there was no going back - their relationship would never be the same again. Judging from the way Chris was moaning and thrusting his hips down onto Darren’s lap however, he was completely on board with that.

Feeling a bit daring, Darren reached between their bodies and started hastily undoing his belt as best as he could with a squirming Chris on top of him, but luckily Chris soon noticed and started helping, the belt gone and the button of Darren’s jeans popped within minutes. Chris then began making work of his own pants, sliding off Darren just enough so that they could both wrangle themselves out of their tight jeans. “Shirt,” Chris demanded as he tugged at the hem of Darren’s t-shirt, leaving no room for Darren to wonder what he wanted him to do with it. Darren was left useless however, his brain short-circuiting as he watched Chris sit up on his knees and begin to unbutton his own shirt - each inch of skin that was revealed made Darren’s mouth water, and when Chris was finally shirtless Darren couldn’t help but reach out and grip onto his hips, wanting nothing more than to never take his eyes off of the perfect planes of Chris’s well-muscled torso. His chest and arms and were perfectly chiseled and suddenly Darren was thankful for all the times that Chris had told him he couldn’t hang out because he needed to go to the gym instead. Clearly it had paid off.

Chris had apparently grown tired of waiting. He began sliding Darren’s shirt up and was even trying to work his arms out of it before Darren’s brain finally caught up. He lifted himself up a bit and Chris took it upon himself to free him of his shirt. He even seemed to have a similar reaction once Darren was finally shirtless, his fingers immediately running along the sharp lines of muscle along Darren’s hips and groaning softly under his breath. “You’re so fucking sexy, oh my god,” he breathed. “Been wanting to do this for so long.”

This took Darren by surprise. Chris had been wanting to do this “for so long?” Had he been experiencing the same type of longing that had been plaguing Darren since the day they met? How long had Darren been putting this off, too scared to initiate something when he could have been kissing Chris instead? 

“Me too,” Darren reassured with a whimper. Chris’s touch on such sensitive areas of his body sent shivers up and down his spine and made him completely lose his train of thought. He almost couldn’t believe this was actually happening, the things Chris was doing and the words he was saying had only ever manifested in his dreams. Was he suddenly going to wake up, panting in his bed like so many nights before?

If it was a dream, it was definitely the best god damn dream he’d ever had.

The two of them finally in nothing but their underwear, they fell together, Darren wrapping his arms all the way around Chris and holding him close as they kissed, wanting to savor every last second. For his part, Chris cupped Darren’s jaw and held onto his curls with his other hand, tugging slightly and wow, that might have been more of a thing for him than he thought because it made Darren’s blood feel like it was boiling, drawing a moan from somewhere deep inside. Maybe he liked having his hair pulled on or perhaps it was just because Chris was the one doing the pulling. Either was, it felt incredible and only served to turn him on even more than he already was.

If they didn’t do something soon, Darren knew he was going to come in his underwear and that so wasn’t how he wanted this to end. He pulled his mouth away from Chris’s long enough to request that they remove their underwear, and Chris sucked a breath in, raising himself up as much as he could with the way Darren was still clinging, trying to get a good look at him in the dim light. “You’re sure?”

Darren had figured that was where this whole thing was heading anyway so of course he was, unless Chris was asking because he himself was unsure? Shit. “Only if you are,” he replied, hoping that was the right answer.

“Yeah, I am. Just wanted to make sure you were on the same page,” Chris answered as Darren let go of him and he sat up, moving again so that the two of them could awkwardly fumble out of their underwear, the last divider between them. 

“Pretty sure I made it clear what page I was on when I kissed you,” Darren quipped as he slid his briefs down, not missing the way Chris was staring at him, watching his every move.

Darren was on the verge of feeling self-conscious. He was now completely naked in front of Chris who hadn’t even made any effort to remove his own underwear, but the moment didn’t last long as Chris looked up into Darren’s eyes and smirked, rolling onto his hip so he could do the same. “Pretty sure I was the one who kissed you, if I remember correctly.” Relief flooded Darren’s system and he was grateful to know that this... thing, whatever it was, was just as easy as their friendship had always been.

Darren had already formulated a witty comeback but it died on his tongue once Chris was naked above him. Since Chris had stared earlier, he figured that gave him a free pass to do the same. Chris was perfect, obviously; his cock long like the rest of him but not too thick, pink and dripping at the head and it made Darren’s mouth water. “Fuck,” was all he managed as he peeled his eyes away. He opened his arms and let his bent knee fall to the side. “Get back here.”

So Chris did, practically collapsing on top of Darren, their mouths immediately finding each other, teeth clanking and and breaths leaving their bodies once they managed to line up their cocks. It was dry and rough and Darren wished he’d had some kind of foresight to buy lube, but either way the feeling was powerful and he was already on the edge of orgasm again by the time they started moving together.

It was far from perfect. Their hips stuttered and Chris kept slipping and wound up thrusting against Darren’s hip more often than his cock, but after a few minutes all it took was Darren grabbing onto the globes of Chris’s ass, a tight squeeze and one particularly powerful thrust for Chris to come, white streaks painting across Darren’s thigh and his stomach. Once Chris was spent, he fell on top of him for a moment to catch his breath.

Darren whimpered after a moment or two, no longer able to get any friction with the way Chris was positioned but it didn’t take long for Chris to react. He rolled to the side, lying on his hip beside Darren, resting a hand on his chest before kissing him, silencing his whines. “Let me touch you?” he asked as he pulled away.

Darren nodded eagerly, feeling a bit desperate for his release by this point. Chris reached down, grabbing ahold of Darren’s aching cock and giving it a squeeze. The pleasure flooded Darren’s belly and he whipped his head to the side, burying his face in Chris’s neck as he started to jerk him off. 

It didn’t take much to bring Darren back to the tipping point and soon he was coming across his stomach as well, his come mixing with Chris’s and fuck, if that wasn’t the hottest thing ever. He took a moment to catch his breath before he left the crook of Chris’s neck, shifting so he could kiss him. This kiss felt different. It wasn’t hot or heavy or desperate with the build up of months of sexual tension. It was simply a kiss, sweet and slow and warm. It made Darren heat up all over, not from arousal, but from something more.

After a few minutes, Chris moved to grab a few tissues from the nightstand, cleaning up the mess on Darren’s stomach before it began to dry. Darren watched Chris, a lump forming in his throat over the tender way Chris was touching him. Maybe it was the amazing orgasm he’d just experienced, but Darren had never been more sure of the fact that he was falling head over heels in love with Chris.

When Chris was finished, he laid back down, scooping Darren into his arms. Darren went easily, tucking his face back into the crook of Chris’s neck and clinging to him, feeling safe and secure and so, so happy. He nuzzled the skin below his nose, content to fall asleep like that, but apparently Chris had other ideas.

“So, not that I didn’t enjoy every minute of it, but where the hell did that come from?” Chris asked tentatively. “I mean, why now and not, you know... before?”

Darren knew this was going to be a conversation they would have to have eventually, but shit, did it have to be now? Couldn’t Chris let him put it off for just a few more minutes, or preferably hours after a good night's sleep? Because Darren knew this was when he was going to have to tell Chris everything. He was going to have to tell Chris why he had rejected him initially. Why he was so closed off and why he was afraid of the idea of a relationship. He was going to have to let Chris in like he’d never let anyone else in before.

No,it wasn’t that Darren _had_ to, it was that he wanted to. He wanted to explain himself; to hand Chris the last piece of his puzzle and let him make the decision to either stick around or run. Usually, the idea of telling someone the story of his past terrified him, which was why very few people in his life actually knew it. But Darren knew he could trust Chris with this, and he was ready.

“Because I was scared,” Darren began, unsure if that was a good place to start or not. “I’m scared of being in a relationship.”

“Okay,” Chris responded, sounding like he was waiting for something more. “Is there any particular reason why? I mean like, did you have a bad experience or something?” 

“I did, but not in the way you’re thinking.” Darren sighed, taking a deep breath and trying to calm his nerves slightly. “There’s a reason I never talk about my home life, Chris. I didn’t have the best childhood and it’s kind of an understatement to say that it fucked me up a little.”

Chris remained silent and Darren was grateful for the pause, happy for the chance to gather the swirling thoughts in his head. This was something that was very hard for him to talk about and he could already feel the tears stinging at his eyes just thinking about it.

Nevertheless, he pushed through. “My parents got divorced when I was little, you already knew that. But what I didn’t tell you was that my mom was with this guy for a while and he wasn’t exactly nice to me or my brother,” Darren gulped, trying to keep the tears at bay. He’d told this story to very few people in his life, preferring to keep it stored in a very repressed area of his brain where it was safe. Unfortunately, that meant that when he finally did pull it out, his emotions came with it. Telling people about his past was never easy, but he was willing to do it for Chris.

“I’ve had a therapist tell me he was abusive. It took me a long time, but I’m finally starting to believe it. I don’t think of myself as a victim, but when I look back at all the shit he’s put us through and how it’s affected me, it makes sense. I mean, he was never physical towards us, so it’s not like that but- it was just... he was mean. He would put me and my brother down all the time. He called us worthless and told us we’d never amount to anything and Chuck and I were like, eight and nine so we believed it.” Darren was so lost in thought that he barely registered Chris squeezing him tighter.

“What was even worse was the fact that my mom had no idea. She worked all the time; she had two jobs so when she wasn’t home, he was there. And he did take care of us - he made us dinner and made sure we got to bed on time. But as far as the emotional stuff... it just wasn’t what we needed. But anyway, my mom didn’t find out about the way he was treating us until I was like fifteen and that’s when she finally left him but by then the damage was pretty much done,” Darren murmured.

“I’m okay now. I talked to a therapist when I was going through the worst of my depression in high school. But there’s still some stuff that I haven’t gotten over and I’ll probably be dealing with it for the rest of my life. I have pretty bad anxiety - maybe you’ve noticed that by now,” Darren sniffled, unable to stem the tide of words that just kept pouring out. “I can usually control it pretty well, but I still have random panic attacks pretty regularly. I’ve actually considered going on medication for it. I have self-confidence issues, too. I just believed the things he told me about myself for so long and it’s hard to just... unlearn them, you know?”

Darren took a moment to gather himself, the tears falling freely as he spoke. Chris stayed silent, simply squeezing his arms around Darren, serving its purpose as the comforting gesture it was probably intended to be. 

“But to answer your question, it’s also the reason I’m closed off when it comes to relationships. I don’t want to end up like my mom. I don’t want to end up divorced or worse yet, with someone like him. Not that I think you’re like him at all, of course. But what I mean is that... the only relationships I’ve ever seen are shit and sometimes it just feels easier to be alone. I didn’t want to fuck up our friendship with romance but... I just couldn’t help it, I guess? Kissing you felt like the right thing to do at the time. I just hope I didn’t make a mistake.”

Darren let out a shuddering breath, something that sounded closer to a sob as he waited for Chris to react. He felt slightly guilty for dumping that all on top of Chris after they’d just had sex, but Darren knew that if they were going to do this, then he had to be upfront about who he was. No more hiding, no more faking it. This was the real Darren and Chris could either take him as he was or leave him.

He felt Chris’s hand running up and down his back, but the silence remained and Darren was starting to get anxious. Had he scared Chris off exactly as he’d feared he would do? 

Luckily, the silence didn’t last long. “You didn’t make a mistake,” Chris told him gently. “And I’m glad you told me all of that. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.”

Relief overwhelmed him, and suddenly the tears were coming harder, faster. It felt like a release, like some huge weight had been lifted from his chest and he could finally breathe properly. Before he knew it he was sobbing into Chris’s skin, tears of happiness, sadness, relief, gratefulness. He was experiencing all of those emotions at once and couldn’t even bring himself to feel embarrassed that he was essentially crying in Chris’s arms after sex. He was just glad Chris was _there_ , in spite of everything.

It took a few minutes for Darren to calm down. He didn’t even know why he’d been crying by the time his sobs turned into sniffles. Eventually, the room was silent once more, the only sound coming from Darren’s hiccups that weren’t going away even after he tried to hold his breath.

Chris was still gently stroking his naked back, and in that moment Darren felt closer to Chris than he’d ever felt to anyone else in his entire life. Darren had just given Chris everything he had to offer, his past, his present, his body, his heart. And Chris had taken it without question, welcoming it. Darren just prayed he wouldn’t someday shove it all right back in his face.

When Chris spoke again, Darren almost jumped, having grown used to the silence surrounding them. “I’m sorry you had to go through all of that, Darren. But don’t you see that it didn’t make you weak? It made you stronger, it made you the incredible person that you are today. And even though I wish you didn’t have to experience all of that, I wouldn’t have you any other way.”

Darren’s eyes burned again, but this time there was no mistaking them for the happy tears that they were. Darren wiggled out of Chris arms enough to reach up and kiss him. It felt just as incredible as it had felt the very first time - in fact, it seemed to get better every time they did it.

The words “I love you” were right there on the tip of his tongue, but Darren didn’t want to push his luck. He’d already overwhelmed Chris enough tonight, and things had turned out better than he ever could have imagined. He was content to leave that confession alone for now - they still had an entire week ahead of them, after all.

But then again, after the week ended, that was it. They had seven days to spend together and then Darren would be on a flight to Michigan. Darren would be leaving Chris in New York and they were going to have to live their lives apart. Unless Darren could convince Chris to go with him... but that seemed pretty unlikely at this point.

They needed to make this week count, and that’s exactly what Darren planned on doing.


	11. Chapter 11

Sex with Chris was amazing.

Once they had started, it was like some kind of dam of unresolved sexual tension had burst between them. After that first night, they took a shower that resulted in mutual hand-jobs, and after a much needed and extremely deep sleep, they began the last few hours they had to spend in their hotel by making out, the two of them hard against each other’s hips. 

The next morning, Darren wanted to try something new. He’d only ever given one blow job before during a quick and sloppy one-night stand that meant nothing and was probably unsatisfying for both parties. But with Chris, Darren could take his time - he wanted to learn about all the ways in which he could make him moan, but mostly he just wanted his cock in his mouth and Darren was surprised he’d lasted this long without suggesting it.

Taking a moment to disconnect their lips, Darren drew on his strength and managed to flip the two of them over. He was learning that Chris tended to enjoy being the one with the control in bed, but he hoped he would relinquish it long enough for Darren to carry out his plan.

Luckily Chris didn’t seem too keen on protesting, his body remaining pliant as Darren leaned over it to kiss him. He began kissing downwards, across his naked chest before hooking a finger under his boxer briefs and tugging them off his hips. He kissed every inch of warm, pale skin as it was exposed, purposely mouthing and licking and sucking everywhere but Chris’s dick, teasing him. Chris kept quiet, allowing Darren to do whatever he pleased which was surprising but pleasant. It egged him on, making him want to drag this out for as long as possible - or at least until 10 when they were supposed to check out of the room.

By the time Darren had finished sucking a hickey onto Chris’s hip, they were both fully hard, Chris’s dick lying against his stomach, red and dripping with neglect. It was mouthwatering, and Darren knew he couldn’t wait any longer. He inched up, trying to settle himself in a comfortable position between Chris’s legs as they spread apart, making room for his body and Darren was delighted to realize he fit there snuggly. He wasted no more time, killing all pretense as he took ahold of Chris’s dick and lifted it, sucking his lips around the head and flattening his tongue to pillow it away from his teeth.

Chris’s reaction was immediate, sucking in his breath and letting out a strangled little “a-ah!” at the contact which Darren interpreted as a signal to keep going. So he did. Keeping his tongue flattened against the underside, he pulled his upper lip over his teeth and sank his head down, Chris’s warm and swollen cock sliding into his mouth smoothly. 

The feeling was incredible, for Darren and likely for Chris as well, who voiced his pleasure above him loudly. Darren felt the dick in his mouth twitch almost violently, spurting on his tongue and leaving a salty and bitter taste that was delicious in it’s own right, unique and like nothing Darren had ever tasted before, not even the previous time he’d given head.

Darren began to search for a rhythm, bobbing his head and keeping his tongue pressed hard against Chris’s cock, his lips a tight ring of pressure that he knew would feel amazing if their roles were reversed. And that was what was so great about sex with men, because Darren shared their equipment and knew what felt good and what didn’t, knew exactly what to do because it was what’d he’d want done to him. It made him feel confident and less fumbly, even though he and Chris had only just started being intimate like this last night.

And the feedback from Chris did nothing but confirm his theory, because Chris was desperately trying to thrust into his mouth, the only thing impeding him being Darren’s steady hand on his hip. When Darren glanced up to his face, it was contorted in pleasure, eyes closed and one hand flung above his head, the other tightly gripping the bedsheets beneath them.

Darren was reminded vaguely of his own cock as it burned in the constriction of his underwear, the pain of having gone untouched and ignored making him feel a bit tightly strung. He ground his hips into the bed a bit, the friction a small relief that would allow him to bring his full attention back to Chris, to focus on his pleasure and his pleasure alone for now.

He continued moving his head up and down Chris’s length, sucking and slurping and enjoying it just as much as he suspected he would. It was messy; Darren’s spit was everywhere and Chris kept leaking precome over his tongue what felt like every few seconds, but it was perfect and Darren wouldn’t have had it any other way. When Chris reached down, lifting himself off the bed a bit to squeeze at Darren’s shoulder and breathily whimper that he was close, he surprised even himself by just sucking harder, burying Chris’s cock so far into the back of his throat that he almost gagged on it. But Darren wanted this, wanted Chris’s taste to fill his mouth because if the preview had been good, the climax was sure to be even better and Darren wanted every bit of it.

Chris flopped backwards onto the bed, moaning out and gripping hard onto the headboard above him, his body writhing and chest heaving. It was so hot to watch Chris come apart like that that Darren had to begin desperately grinding his hips into the mattress, surprised to find that his own orgasm had already started to build.

He pulled off a bit, positioning Chris’s cock on his tongue in such a way that would ensure that he wouldn’t actually drown himself in come. He gave one last strong suck before Chris erupted into his mouth, Darren allowing the salty, bittersweet taste of him to linger for a few moments before he managed to swallow it down. Perilously close to his own orgasm but not quite there yet, Darren resumed grinding against the bed, the friction from his briefs and the knowledge of what he’d just done enough to pull him over the edge quickly and before he knew it, he was coming hard inside of his underwear.

The two of them had exerted themselves quite a bit, so it took several minutes before either of them had the energy to even try to speak. Chris was the first to break the silence, still a bit breathless. “That was... that was awesome, Darren.”

Darren opened his eyes, gazing up at Chris from his position where he’d collapsed onto the bed beside Chris’s legs. Darren’s stomach did a flip and tumble when he saw the way Chris was grinning at him, and he couldn’t help but smile back, feeling giddy and lightheaded. “Your reputation for an extensive vocabulary precedes you, Colfer,” Darren teased through a giggle.

Chris rolled his eyes, sitting up on the bed. “Come on. We have to pack and you should probably shower. Coming in your underwear is gross, Darren, what were you thinking?”

Darren ignored the side comment, lifting himself up and crawling towards Chris to give him a quick peck on the lips. “You mean _we_ should shower?” 

Chris laughed, pulling Darren’s neck closer to him so they could kiss properly. “Fine, but no funny business. We have to be out of here in half an hour.”

Much to Darren’s disappointment, they managed to keep their promise of avoiding funny business. Their shower was quick and clinical, and even if they did take turns washing each other’s hair and were both semi-hard by the end of it, they were out in record time. Darren shaved while Chris bumped his hip, encouraging him to scoot over so Chris could have enough room to brush his teeth. After that, they made quick work of cleaning up, ensuring all of their belongings were with them and headed out, intending to catch a taxi to Chris’s new place.

Chris’s apartment was across town, and with traffic it wound up taking them about an hour to actually get there. Chris’s moving truck was already there by the time they arrived, meaning they had to begin unpacking immediately, much to Darren’s chagrin. He hated moving, which was why he went the minimalist route and only brought a bag of his essentials - a dufflebag and his guitar were more than enough for him to live off for a few months until he found a place of his own in Michigan.

Unpacking took most of the day, unsurprisingly. Although Chris hadn’t brought much, it still took a while to get everything out of the boxes and organized into what was a considerably small space. Chris had the definition of a shoebox apartment and the entire thing was only composed of four rooms - an extremely tiny kitchen, a living space, the bathroom and a tiny little bedroom which barely even fit Chris’s mattress itself.

It wasn’t much, but it was exactly what Chris had wanted - he was quite pleased, as evidenced by the smile he couldn’t stop flashing Darren as they flitted around throughout the day. Darren was pretty sure he’d never seen Chris smile this much; it was a welcomed change to seeing him sad and grumpy and the only thing he could chalk this up to was the change in scenery. Darren certainly couldn’t blame him.

They had planned to go grocery shopping after they were done unpacking, but they both decided they were much too hungry to make that kind of effort tonight. Vowing to reschedule the trip to first thing in the morning, they took advantage of Darren’s Grubhub app and ordered sushi and Japanese takeout, eating it on the floor of the empty living space since Chris had surrendered the couch to Ashley when he’d left their apartment in LA. 

The entire thing was so incredibly easy and familiar and even though so much had changed between the two of them in the past twenty-four hours, it seemed like nothing had changed at all. If anything, their relationship felt amplified, because now Darren no longer had anything at all to hide from Chris, and he could just completely be himself.

Which meant that if Darren’s eyes lingered on the column of Chris’s neck a little bit too much, he no longer had to quickly glance away and pretend it hadn’t happened. He could simply look, and it was okay, because he knew Chris was looking at him too, that their attraction was mutual and not something he had to avoid anymore.

Needless to say, the sexual tension between the two of them was so heightened by the time they’d finished eating dinner that they didn’t even have time to clean up before Chris was on top of Darren, kissing him hard as Darren lay flat against the floor, happy to hand over the control to Chris tonight, ready for whatever he wanted to do. 

Apparently, tonight it was Darren’s turn for a blow job, and he savored every single second of it. Chris was just as good as sucking cock as he claimed Darren had been, judging from the intensity of the orgasm he’d managed to draw out of him. Darren was left sweaty, breathless and panting, still on the floor, Chris hovering over him and kissing his neck despite the fact that he’d just come as well. A few minutes later however, he finally ran out of steam and collapsed on top of Darren, who immediately held on tight.

After catching their breaths and coming back to their senses, they both had to laugh about the fact that they’d just stereotypically had sex on the floor of a new apartment. They giggled about it for almost a whole minute before Darren paused, realizing just how domestic they had become. It was almost as if the two of them were in a relationship - a long term one at that, and had just moved in together.

But they weren’t in a relationship because they couldn’t be and this realization caused the happy butterflies to die in his stomach, leaving room for only an empty pit to form. Chris noticed Darren’s shift in mood immediately, and quickly rolled off of him to properly look at his face. “You okay?” he asked gently.

Damnit. Chris was far too observant for Darren’s taste. He knew him too well, and Darren both hated that fact and loved that fact at the same time. Darren turned his head and looked into Chris’s eyes - so full of tenderness and so lacking in any kind of judgement. What was it about those eyes that made Darren want to spill all of his deepest secrets? He wished Chris would cut it out.

In spite of Chris’s calming presence, he took a deep breath and forced a smile, not planning on opening that can of worms tonight - or ever, really. “I’m great!” He couldn’t tell if Chris had bought it or not due to his now neutral expression, but either way he dropped the subject. “Wanna go lay in bed?” he asked Darren instead. “This building comes with wifi which is probably pretty shitty, but it’ll do until I can get my own. We have a couple of episodes of Downton Abbey left if you wanna go finish them up?”

Darren was so, so grateful for Chris in that moment that he could have cried if he allowed himself. “I’d love that.” 

For the next few hours, they cuddled on Chris’s queen mattress, despite the fact that it still didn’t even have bed posts. It didn’t matter, though - Chris’s bed had always been extremely comfortable, and laying like that made Darren begin to question the purpose of bed posts in the first place. It was much more comfortable to be able to put their stuff on the floor and have it within easy reach. They set themselves up with soda and snacks surrounding Chris’s laptop which they propped up on Darren’s guitar case in place of an entertainment center and cuddled, Chris spooning Darren from behind. It was the perfect way to binge watch, especially since the episodes were almost an hour long and they had about four left. By the time they’d finally finished the entire series, it was hours later and Darren had long since fallen asleep.  
\--

“Darren?” Chris asked, and he was quickly pulled to the surface of consciousness at the sound of his name.

“Mmm?” Darren grumbled, registering the fact that he was still wrapped up in Chris’s arms, Chris maneuvering one hand in such a way that it was petting through Darren’s hair. He felt warm and so, so safe.

“Wanna go to bed? You’ve been asleep for the past hour and you missed the season finale,” Chris told him, sounding a bit like he was scolding him. “I’m not telling you what happens, just so you know.”

Darren assessed how he was feeling, and realized he was now pretty much wide awake. And totally up for sex, if Chris was as well. “Nah, I’m fine,” he responded, grinding his ass down where it had been nestled against Chris’s crotch, not totally surprised to find that Chris was already hard. Darren hoped this made his intentions clear.

And just like that, they were at it again. Chris pulled his arm out from under Darren’s head in favor of climbing on top of him and began kissing him deeply, Darren melting against the bed at the comfort of Chris’s body holding him down. He wrapped his arms around Chris’s waist, pushing Chris’s crotch into his own as he felt his dick begin to swell in his pajama pants - realizing only just then that he’d forgotten to put his underwear back on after the earlier blowjob.

Somehow, this realization only wound up arousing him further, and instead of questioning it, he began attempting to shimmy out of said pajama pants, not very keen on coming in them until Chris figured out how the washing machine situation worked in his building. Following Darren’s lead, Chris began moving his own pants and soon enough they were skin to skin and fuck if that wasn’t the best feeling in the goddamn world. Darren groaned at the contact, head flopping back onto the pillow and momentarily breaking their kiss. Apparently sensing an opportunity, Chris began sucking kisses onto Darren’s jaw, working his way down to his neck and collarbone. Chills spread throughout Darren’s body as Chris disappeared under the blanket that was covering the both of them, giving Darren a lewd smirk as he did so. His heart started pounding in his chest; something about the fact that he couldn’t see what Chris was doing, meaning he was almost completely at his mercy was so hot that Darren started sweating again, his cock twitching and brushing against some part of Chris’s skin - he couldn’t tell which.

Apparently, Chris did not have a blowjob in mind as he had suspected. Under the blanket, he could feel Chris taking his time, licking the planes of his abdomen and hips, sucking hickies into the lines of muscles that he knew where there. He was being teased, perhaps as payback for the first time he’d blown Chris? It didn’t matter, he just hoped Chris would do something soon because the waiting was torturous.

Darren was just about to voice his complaints to Chris when he felt a dry finger tapping at his hole and oh, fuck. Okay. That hadn’t been what he was expecting but he was definitely up for this, which he communicated to Chris by pressing back against it.

Chris stopped a few moments later, though. He moved up closer to Darren and poked his head out from under the blanket. “Do you have any lube?” he asked.

“Shit, no, no I don’t. Don’t you?”

“No… it’s okay. I have another idea.”

And Darren almost questioned him, but figured it was better to keep his mouth shut as Chris disappeared under the blanket once more. It quickly became clear what Chris had in mind, however, as he positioned himself between Darren’s spread legs - a warm, wet tongue pressing in between the cheeks of his ass. Darren cried out, the feeling surprising but certainly more than welcome, and he brought both of his knees up, thighs resting against his chest, opening himself up for Chris.

And Chris wasted no time. He pushed a hand under Darren’s lower back, tilting his ass up slightly and the next thing he knew, Darren had Chris’s wet tongue circling and dipping into his hole, stretching him slightly and causing Darren to moan in pleasure, never having had any kind of clue how much he’d enjoy something like this. Darren suddenly wanted nothing more than for Chris to just bury himself deep inside and fuck him until he couldn’t see straight, and he mourned his lack of foresight in purchasing lube or condoms because he wanted that so bad in that moment he could have _cried_. He made a mental note to go to the store the next day and buy some because Darren had absolutely no plans of leaving New York without having experienced it.

Chris continued his ministrations, working Darren up into a sweating, whining mess until he simply couldn’t take it anymore. His neglected cock throbbing with every quickened heartbeat, he begged Chris to touch him, to do _something_ and thankfully, Chris obliged. He moved his mouth from Darren’s ass to his dick, only needing to suckle at the head a bit before Darren came hard, his load pulsing into Chris’s mouth, who swallowed it down impressively easily.

Chris threw the blanket off the two of them, the cool air a welcome relief to Darren’s overheated body. His half lidded eyes were only marginally aware of Chris crawling up, not even really registering what was happening until Chris’s cock, still hard and dripping was right in front of his face.

“Can you finish me off this way, please? I don’t feel like washing my sheets tonight.”

Arousal twisted in Darren’s belly at the request, and if he hadn’t just come he’d probably be on his way to getting hard again. Nevertheless, Darren nodded and opened his mouth, wetting his lips right before Chris’s cock slid into his mouth, warm and wet with too much precome and so, so perfect.

Darren welcomed Chris’s cock, sucking and lapping and allowing Chris to have most of the control, his hips thrusting gently but essentially fucking Darren’s mouth. Each movement felt small and tightly controlled, and Darren wished Chris would just give up all pretense and shove his dick down his throat, fucking his mouth and using it to simply get off and nothing more. Darren would have begged for this if he were able to make any verbalizations, but on second thought it was probably best that he couldn’t since he probably would have choked or gagged because in reality, he really wasn’t the expert cock sucker that he now was in his mind.

Soon enough, Chris was warning Darren that he was close, and Darren maneuvered the cock in his mouth so he could swallow as he’d done before. It didn’t go as smoothly this time; Darren didn’t manage to swallow it all down from his position and he felt some come dribble down his chin, only managing to get about half of it into his mouth.

After recovering from his orgasm a bit, Chris moved off of a completely spent Darren, and clicked his teeth a bit at the sight of him – Darren was sure he looked completely debauched, but couldn’t even bring himself to remedy the situation by cleaning up. Besides, he wanted to be pampered a little, and this was his roundabout way of asking for it.

Luckily, Chris got the message, and reached for the pajama pants that he’d thrown off earlier in order to clean Darren’s chin, wiping away the mess of spit and come from his face. Darren’s stomach flipped, a bloom of affection filling him as Chris tenderly cleaned him up, his eyes gentle and his touch feather-light as it moved across his stubbled chin and jaw. Darren closed his eyes as Chris lay down next to him when he finished, once more pulling him into his arms for an after-sex cuddle which was definitely the best kind of cuddle ever.

This time, Darren rolled over and tucked his face into Chris’s chest, listening to his heartbeat as it thumped against his ear. Darren absorbed every second of it, trying to hold onto this perfect moment as it was right now before time inevitably stole it away from him.

They lay there like that for a long time, the two of them switching between talking quietly and lying in comfortable silence. Neither of them slept, however, despite the fact that it was the middle of the night – apparently, they were both on the same page when it came to making their time together last.

“You know what’s funny?” Chris asked Darren at some indiscernible point in the night. “Well, maybe not funny but... interesting?”

“What’s that?” Darren answered, wishing Chris would just talk to him forever in that sleepy, low voice of his.

“When I first met you, I had this idea of you in my mind. It was like nothing and nobody ever concerned you and I envied that so much because I live my life with so much anxiety, and I looked at you and wondered, ‘How can I be more like him? How can I learn to just not care?’  
But then I got to know you, and I realized how much you really do care, but you’re just better at hiding it than I am. I don’t know, it’s just crazy to me how wrong you can be about someone.”

Darren’s heart stopped dead in his chest – _fuck_. Had opening up to Chris the other night been a mistake? Had he completely ruined Chris’s picture-perfect idea of him, making him want nothing to do with Darren at all? He should have known this would happen, shit. This was what always happened when he got too close to people. He needed to-

“Wait, I didn’t mean it like that,” Chris quickly clarified, perhaps having felt how tense Darren had become in his arms. Darren was still very much on edge though, and he wanted nothing more than to just bolt out of that bed and run to Michigan as fast as his legs could carry him.

“No, really, Darren,” Chris placated softly when he didn’t respond, beginning to softly stroke up and down Darren’s back. “Let me explain. What I meant was, I’m glad that I got to see the real you this past couple of days. I’m glad you’re not actually as perfect as you seem… you’re just like me, really. You just deal with it differently, and it’s interesting, that’s all I’m saying.”

Darren let out a breath, feeling a bit calmed by the words but still not thoroughly convinced, the undercurrent of panic still settled in his system.

“I’m sorry, Darren,” Chris sighed. “I’m really bad at words. Well, bad at speaking them, anyway. I shouldn’t have said it like that. What I’m trying to say is, I’ve never felt closer to anyone than I feel to you right now, because… Because you understand. You understand what it’s like to be all jumbled up inside and yet you still manage to get through each day with a smile on your face. You still manage to trust people. You let them in. It’s admirable and it kind of… I don’t know, it kind of gives me hope? It makes me think that maybe one day I’ll be as strong as you.”

Those words hit Darren pretty hard. He now understood what Chris was trying to say and was calmed and actually quite touched, but the last line of his speech threw him for a loop. “Strong? I’m not the strong one, Chris. That’s you.”

“Me? Are you kidding? After all you’ve been through?” Chris argued, hugging Darren closer.

“You’ve been through just as much. Physical bullying and neglectful parents aren’t exactly components of what I’d call an easy life.”

“Well, that’s what I’m talking about when I say that you get it. We’ve both been through some tough shit in our lives, and we’ve both been affected by it. But we deal with it in different ways, and the fact that you can hide it while I pretty much broadcast my moments of misery to the world on a day-to-day basis is... an enviable trait.”

Darren shook his head. “It’s harder than it seems. It feels like I’m bottling things up. I think it takes a stronger person to show the world how they really feel than it does to hide it.”

Chris shrugged. “Maybe. But either way, I think we’re both pretty brave, don’t you?”

Darren allowed a tiny grin to sneak across his face. “Yeah, I guess we are.”

Darren sighed, giving the words a second thought. Brave? Chris had no clue just how wrong he actually was.


	12. Chapter 12

The next day, Chris and Darren allowed themselves to be full-on, stereotypical tourists.

They made a point to go to as many New York landmarks and tourists-traps as they could. They poked around the National History Museum, took a walk on the Highline, strolled through Washington Square Park, and of course, took a ferry out to Ellis Island to see the Statue of Liberty. It was a long, exhausting day full of walking and figuring out how to navigate the busy subway system of New York City, but it was the most fun Darren had had in a long time.

It was near dark by the time the two of them began heading home, and they were both starving; they’d been eating junky street food all day, but it certainly hadn’t been enough to sustain either of them. A quick look on Yelp for nearby restaurants, and Darren had to spend a good ten minutes trying to convince Chris to agree to his choice.

“Darren,” he admonished stubbornly. “We are not eating at Sardi’s.”

“Come on! We agreed to be stereotypical New York tourists today, so what better way to top it off than with Broadway’s most famous headquarters?”

“For one thing, neither of us are dressed properly,” he told Darren, gesturing to their t-shirts and shorts. “And another, I can’t afford an expensive dinner right now. I just had to hand over my first month’s rent in cash and I need to save up if I’m going to survive until I can get a job out here.”

“I’ll pay for us,” Darren said immediately. “I want to. Think of it as my thank you for letting me crash at your place for free all week?”

Chris eyed him suspiciously. “You already did thank me, Dare. You helped me move, for god’s sake.”

Darren shook his head, linking his arm with Chris’s and turning down 44th street, towards the restaurant in question. “It didn’t feel like enough. Just let me pay for us, please?”

Rolling his eyes, Chris hugged Darren’s arm closer to his body. “Fine, fine. Since you insist and all.”

They didn’t unlink themselves at all on their way to the restaurant; not even when they entered and Darren told the server there were two of them for the table. Luckily, it was 8pm on a Wednesday night and there wasn’t a crowd at all, so they were seated right away. It didn’t hit Darren until they let go of each other to follow the host that their situation strongly resembled a date. In fact, it pretty much _was_ a date. The two of them were fucking and now Darren was buying Chris dinner at a nice restaurant and that was pretty much as date-like as it got, wasn’t it?

Darren was unable to stop the blush that spread across his cheeks at the realization, but luckily Chris didn’t notice. So this was a date. So what? It was a date. And Darren was going to treat Chris like the fucking king he deserved to be treated as, starting with pulling out his chair as they sat down before the host got a chance to. Chris looked up, seeming surprised but pleased as he smiled at Darren, tentatively taking the seat with a whispered “thanks.” Darren hoped he wasn’t being too forward - he was just trying to do this right. As long as Chris didn’t seem freaked out, it was okay, right? He hoped so.

Suddenly feeling a bit nervous, Darren took his own seat and started browsing the wine menu, figuring he should make the most of this. He’d had a lot of money saved up from bartending and since he’d be crashing at Lauren’s place for a while he wouldn’t need too much of it in Michigan, so he wanted to make this count.

Darren ordered them a bottle of wine, pretending not to notice Chris’s little eyebrow raise of surprise. They two of them did a toast to their time in New York, talking and giggling over their pasta just as easily as they always had. Darren was feeling giddy and quite buzzed by the end of it, and if the way Chris was speaking just a few notches louder than he normally did was anything to go by, body loose and movements slightly exaggerated, he was on the same page as well. Feeling a bit daring, Darren ordered them dessert to share and another bottle of wine, covering Chris’s hand with his own as soon as the waiter walked away.

The whole thing was incredibly romantic, and he knew Chris had noticed. Well, that had been the plan all along, hadn’t it? Darren was really starting to convince himself that Chris wanted to be _more_ with him - more than friends, and more than friends with benefits, more than whatever they were right now. Judging by the fact that they were currently staring into each other’s eyes, about to share dessert after a dinner that Darren was paying for, all while Darren was currently holding Chris’s hand, and Chris hadn’t started running in the opposite direction? Yeah, Darren was definitely starting to believe that this could be something.

They ate their dessert and finished their wine, and then spent even more time just sitting and talking. It was something they could, and often did, do for hours. Getting lost in conversation with each other was easy, and it always seemed like they would never run out of things to talk about. In fact, by the time they became aware of their surroundings again, the entire restaurant was empty, and they were getting significantly annoyed looks from the waiters and busboys as they cleaned up and got ready to close. Feeling only slightly embarrassed, Darren quickly asked for their check, paid, and the two of them slinked hand in hand out of the restaurant, giggling like crazy and hopping into the first cab they managed to wave down.

They sat close together in the taxi, closer than they normally would, thighs pressed tight together and hands still clasped. Darren watched Chris as he clumsily told the driver his address, words a bit slurred and cheeks a bright pink from the alcohol. Darren just stared at him, admiring his effortless beauty, not even pretending to be embarrassed or bothering to look away when Chris turned back around. He’d caught Darren looking, and blushed even brighter, his whole face going red, but smiling nonetheless. 

“I had an amazing time tonight,” Darren told Chris, feeling his whole chest go warm as Chris continued to giggle smile at his lap, refusing to meet Darren’s eyes.

Finally though, Chris looked up, face bright and so, so happy. “The night’s not over yet.”  
And Chris was right - it sure as fuck wasn’t.

It seemed that the moment they stepped into the elevator they were on each other, Darren pressing Chris against the side of the wall and kissing him deeply. Chris had wrapped his arms tightly around Darren’s waist, and the two of them were so lost in each other that they almost didn’t notice the elevator doors opening up to their floor. Rushing out into the thankfully empty hallway, Darren trailed behind Chris, hugging him from behind and kissing the sensitive areas of his neck as he fumbled with his keys. Darren was hard and aching in his pants by the time they got in the door, and they didn’t even bother to turn on the lights in the living room before rushing into the bedroom and falling on top of each other in bed.

They squirmed around together, trying awkwardly to get their clothes off as fast as possible while keeping their mouths connected at the same time. It was a next to impossible task, and they bumped teeth and probably elbowed each other in various awkward places one too many times, but before Darren knew it they were naked, Chris’s body warm and heavy on top of him, his dick hard and throbbing on Darren’s thigh. 

He hadn’t been this desperate for Chris in quite a while - probably not since that first time, in fact. Darren just wanted so _much_ , so much that it almost scared him how every part of him, the emotional, the physical and the mental, was longing for Chris. It was beginning to feel like nothing could ever be enough with this man, and the thought both terrified as well as thrilled him.

They kissed for a long time, ignoring the heat in their groins in favor of kisses that shifted between rushed and needy to slow and languid. Their mouths were sloppy and Darren’s tongue was tired by the time Chris finally pulled away to speak. “I want to be inside of you.”

Darren groaned, glad Chris had read his mind although they hadn’t exactly talked about this yet. Perhaps Chris had read it in his body language, in the way he always came hardest when Chris was the one in control - or perhaps Chris had just taken a guess based on his own preferences. Either way, Darren was silently thanking the heavens that he’d picked up condoms and lube at the pharmacy earlier that afternoon under the guise of simply running in to get a Vitamin Water. They had been heading in this direction for quite some time, and at that point it wasn’t a matter of if, but when.

“Yes,” Darren breathed in response, chest heaving. “Yeah, I want that. Just let me-” he cut himself off in favor of rolling halfway off the bed, reaching for the condoms and lube he’d thrown into his bag earlier. Rummaging around for a moment, he managed to pluck them out, earning him a surprised look from Chris. “I, uh… the pharmacy earlier,” he told him by way of explanation. 

“Oh, okay good,” Chris responded. “Because I don’t have anything here. At least one of us is good at planning this stuff?”

Darren chuckled as the two of them rearranged their bodies, Chris distractedly trying to open the lube while Darren slowly humped against his hip, kissing his neck. It took a few moments of fumbling but soon Chris was warming the lube in his hand and using his other to widen Darren’s leg in order to make room for his fingers to slide in between the cheeks of his ass.

Darren felt Chris begin to circle his hole a moment or so later, and he tried to relax his body despite the anticipation. He and Chris were about to be closer than they ever had been before - as close as they could possibly get, really - and even though the energy between them was desperate and needy, it also felt romantic. Darren felt so safe in that moment, so trusting of Chris that he was actually willing to completely hand his body over, knowing Chris would take care of Darren exactly how he needed him to and suddenly his eyes were burning at the realization of just how fucking in love with Chris he really was.

Chris took his time, slowly working his fingers into Darren, gently preparing him and whispering to him the entire time, asking for reassurances that he was okay, that he was enjoying what they were doing. Darren, for his part, was getting more desperate by the second, the feeling of Chris’s long, slippery fingers working him open, so close to that spot he’d only ever been able to reach with a toy driving him insane. “I think I’m ready, Chris,” Darren all but managed not to bark at him.

Chris nodded, not making eye contact, eyes darting to the condom as his fingers slowly slid out of Darren. He started messing with the package, and Darren noticed that his hands were actually shaking slightly.

“Hey,” Darren called, concern suddenly washing over him as he sat up a bit to grab Chris’s wrist. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine I just-” Chris sighed. “I’m a little nervous? I’ve never done this before and I...” he sucked in a breath and let it out slowly, “I just don’t wanna hurt you.”

Darren smiled. “It’s okay. I’m a little nervous too, to be honest. I’ve never done it either.”

Chris seemed surprised at that. “You haven’t?”

Darren couldn’t believe that with all the hours they spent talking, the details of their past sexual exploits hadn’t come up - or at least hadn’t been discussed at length. Being bi, Darren had had his fair share of encounters with both sexes, but he’d never actually done it like _this_ because he’d never trusted anyone enough to let them. Oh sure, there had been suggestions from sloppy strangers he’d drunkenly brought home from the gay club, but he’d never wanted much more from them than a quick blow job. Sex like this felt so much more intimate and he only ever wanted Chris to be the one he did it with from now on.

“Nope,” Darren reassured, taking the condom out of Chris’s hands which had finally stopped shaking. “And I promise, if anything starts to feel uncomfortable, I’ll tell you right away. But everything we’ve done so far has been amazing and I want to keep going, if that’s what you want, too?”

Chris nodded, smiling softly as he watched Darren tear the condom from its package. “It is.”

“Can I...?” Darren asked quietly, eyes trained below Chris’s waist. Chris nodded, shifting a bit so Darren could roll the condom onto him and moaning when his hand made contact with the shaft. Darren gave a few quick squeezes to bring Chris back to full hardness then laid back, spreading his knees and opening himself up.

He quickly realized that he'd never felt more vulnerable in his entire life; he was letting Chris see the most private, intimate parts of him and soon Chris would be inside of him, touching him where no one else had ever touched him before. It should have been terrifying, but Darren simply felt safe - cared for. He knew he could trust Chris to do this and he didn't feel any hesitancy at all as Chris lined up at pressed at his hole, slowly sliding in, careful inch by careful inch.

The stretch was strange at first - neither painful or pleasurable. However, the further Chris slid into him, filling him up, the better it felt. Darren asked Chris to give him a minute, a chance to get used to the feeling, and Chris immediately complied, body shaking as he kept still. A few moments later though, Darren gave him the go ahead to move.

Chris' hips snapped back, a bit too quickly at first, then slowly slipped all the way back into Darren. Darren kept his legs spread wide, back arching as he felt Chris dragging into his body - the slick, slippery pressure of him feeling so fucking _good_. He inadvertently let out a little whimper of pleasure before closing his eyes and telling Chris to keep going. 

And Chris did. He thrust out, then in, going slow at first but then picking up speed as Darren's body relaxed around him. Chris managed to get further and further inside of Darren each time, causing him to squeeze his eyes shut and groan deeply at the feeling of pressure near that one spot inside of him that always felt so incredible when he managed to reach it while masturbating. Darren hiked his legs up, feet hitching onto Chris' hips as best as he could get them. Chris took the opportunity to shove a bundled up part of the blanket under Darren's lower back, propping his body up and causing the angle to change, the next thrust a direct hit right on that spot that Darren wanted it most. His groaning turned into a moan as pleasure flooded his system, and Darren grabbed his cock, stroking it as the feeling grew so intense that his vision almost whited out for a second.

The next thing he knew Chris was leaning down and swallowing the sounds with a kiss, his tongue making its way deep into his mouth before sliding out with a quick peck to his lips, and then several more to the sides out of his mouth, mumbling things like "You feel amazing," "You're so gorgeous," “You’re perfect, Darren.”

Darren was barely reacting to anything, so lost in pleasure and the feeling of Chris so deep inside of him that he stopped moving, had stopped stroking himself and had stopped meeting Chris' thrusts. All it took was some prodding from Chris, however. "Work with me here, babe," and Darren came back to himself a bit, shifting so that he could gain enough leverage to push his hips back against Chris's. 

They quickly found their rhythm again and it wasn't long before they were full-on fucking, the tender kisses and sweet whimpers replaced by the snap of their hips slapping together lewdly. Darren had since fallen back against the bed, gripping the sheets beneath him as he tried to hang onto his orgasm as long as possible, wanting to make this last until the very last second.

Chris seemed to be on a similar page, if the way his hips were stuttering and shaking as they stirred inside of Darren were any indication. "C-close," Chris warned, and all it took were a few more rough drags in and out before he was groaning his release, body halfway collapsing on top of Darren as he lost his balance with the force of his orgasm. 

Darren, for his part, was right at the edge as well, although it was pretty challenging for him to get himself off when Chris was lying boneless on top of him. He whimpered pathetically, trying to get his hand on a better angle of his cock and failing until Chris moved, apparently not as dead to the world as he seemed. He rolled off Darren a bit, dick slipping out of him as he as he lay on his side and took a hold of Darren’s cock, reaching down to give the head a strong suck before popping off and stroking once down the slippery shaft.

And that was all it took; Darren's orgasm slammed into him hard, the intensity of it surprising him as his head plopped back onto the bed, unsure whether he was actually making a noise or if he'd lost his voice altogether by now. He came long as hard, feeling spurts of come painting across his belly and some even reaching up to his chest, the force of it leaving him breathless but feeling so, so good.

Chris kissed him then, and it may have been the very best kiss he'd ever received in his entire life. Better than their first, better than all of the sloppy kisses before that had simply been precursors to sex. No, this was a truly intimate and special kiss, speaking volumes between the two of them.

When they pulled away, Darren almost told Chris he loved him. 

But he didn’t. He kept his mouth shut and buried himself in Chris’s neck, somewhere that was quickly becoming his safe space. They lay there for a few moments, panting and catching their breaths, before Chris moved away from Darren, clicking his teeth at the realization that Darren was still covered in his own come. He grabbed a few tissues from the box they now kept ready and waiting on the floor and cleaned Darren off, in that same way he always did that for some reason never failed to make Darren emotional and fall a little bit more in love with Chris every time. He figured it was connected to something stupidly deep rooted in his past, his innate desire for affection and lackthereof through most of his life causing him to appreciate tiny little gestures like this all the more, especially when they came from Chris. Either way, it made Darren tear up a bit, just as it always seemed to, and he pulled Chris in for a kiss as soon as he was done, never wanting their lips to disconnect.

Chris seemed to feel similarly, because he began kissing Darren deeply again, suckling on his lower lip before popping off to speak. “Please,” he whispered before pecking his lips lightly, then pulling back again. “Don’t ever leave me, Darren.” Another quick kiss. “Stay here,” Another. “Stay here with me forever.”

Instead of answering, Darren simply moved to continue their kissing, hoping it would lead to another round of sex that would distract Chris away from what he’d basically just asked. Luckily, it worked, and even after mutual blow jobs, Chris didn’t bring it up again that night, for which Darren was extremely grateful.


	13. Chapter 13

Darren’s time in New York was running out. The next day was Thursday, and Darren’s flight was set to leave late Friday night. Darren woke up with a sick, twisted knot in his stomach that almost made him nauseous. He felt like his heart was already broken, even though this decision was completely his and his alone. Darren had nobody to blame but himself, but the way he saw it, he didn’t have much of a choice. 

Darren looked down at Chris, who had fallen asleep on top of his chest last night. Their legs were tangled together and Darren was sweating slightly due to the presence of the extra body heat, but he didn’t dare move a muscle because Chris looked so fucking beautiful this way. The morning sun was just starting to peek in through the window, the golden rays making the highlights in his hair glow. He was smiling slightly in his sleep, lips parted and cheeks pink. The long line of his naked back was pale and cool and his body was warm and soft where it was nestled between Darren’s legs. Darren almost cried as he lay there watching him sleep. He was going to miss Chris so much and he already despised himself for what he had to do.

Darren lay there in bed for quite awhile, content to keep Chris right where he was for as long as possible, not wanting to wake him up and start their day because it would mean they were one day closer to his departure and even though he knew he couldn’t stop time, it was almost like he was frozen in a moment, laying there with his body twisted so close to Chris’s. It was atypical of Darren to be able to stay still for so long, but he did it this morning with absolutely no problem, not wanting to do anything to ruin the moment they were in.

Unfortunately, Chris had absolutely no idea about this plan of Darren’s and soon he was stirring, squirming around on Darren’s chest and taking in a deep breath, his telltale sign of waking up. “Mmm, morning,” Chris mumbled when he felt Darren squeeze his arms around him tightly.

“Good morning, gorgeous,” Darren whispered quietly as he kissed the top of Chris’s head. “Sleep well?”

“Mhmm,” Chris responded, burying his face against Darren’s naked chest after giving it a quick little kiss. “Of course I did.”

Shit. Darren was so fucking in love with Chris. He was absolutely head over heels for this boy in his arms. The realization hit him like a ton of bricks. Even though he’d known he loved Chris for quite a while, it didn’t hit him until now just how deeply his feelings ran. It was an incredible feeling, yet terrifying at the same time. Either way, he knew then that he was going to love Chris for the rest of his life, and there was nothing Darren wouldn’t do for him.

Well. Almost nothing.

“Wanna go take a shower?” Darren suggested, trying to push those thoughts from his mind. “We could go grab breakfast and then take another walk around the city?”

“Sounds perfect.”

And that’s exactly what they did. They took their time in the shower, exchanging slow, languid handjobs before washing each other’s hair and bodies; the easy, casual intimacy of it feeling so new yet so welcomed. It took an entire hour, but eventually they dressed and made their way out of Chris’s apartment hand in hand, the bite of fall just beginning to make its appearance in the air and causing them to instinctively walk closer than they normally would for warmth when the breeze blew over them. Chris bought them both coffee, having insisted he pay this time since Darren bought dinner last night, and then went to their favorite diner for breakfast. It was almost becoming routine at this point; wake up, sex, breakfast, walk around the city casually holding hands. It was practically a relationship without the label and Darren never wanted to give it up.

Unfortunately, he had to - and sooner rather than later.

\--

The rest of the day passed too quickly. After walking around the various squares and parks in the city, they came home and had an early dinner; however, even though they'd ordered Darren's favorite food, he was barely able to eat any of it - a fact which Chris had noticed and pointed out with concern. Darren shook it off, saying they could put it in the fridge and he'd probably eat it later, even though he knew this was a lie. He could never eat when he felt like this.

His anxiety had been building all day; he'd woken up with a low-grade version of it settled in the pit of his stomach, but it had only gotten worse the closer they got to the end of the day. As Darren and Chris settled into bed to watch a movie, Darren's chest felt tight and constricted, his heart pounding and feeling like he was unable to take in a decent breath. Fuck. He knew what was happening.

"Darren?" Chris asked, obviously having noticed something was wrong. Darren barely registered his voice - it sounded muffled and far away. All he could hear was the pounding of his heart as it thumped overwhelmingly loudly in his ear, and his breathing as it became more and more erratic.

He was having an anxiety attack, he knew, and suddenly the feeling of dread and panic began to overwhelm him. This didn't happen often, and the only other person who'd ever seen him in the throes of one besides his brother - and now, well, Chris - was Joey. His roommate hadn't been sure what to do at the time but had ultimately handled it well, and he just hoped Chris would react similarly.

It was then that the attack the crested and suddenly Darren felt sure he was dying; he couldn't breathe, he couldn't move, he couldn't think. The only thing he was aware of besides the horrible feeling of dread was Chris, who had started rubbing his back and whispering words to him that he couldn't quite make out. Soon though, they came in clear: "Breathe Darren, just breathe."

Eventually his unfocused gaze zeroed in on Chris, and he managed to get a good look at his face. "Shh, Darren. It'll be okay," he soothed, still rubbing his back as he heaved. "Can you match your breaths to mine? In and out, like this?"

It was hard to do what Chris was asking him at first, but soon he managed to follow his breaths, slowing down his own little by little and feeling considerably calmer with each puff of air that left his mouth. It wasn't long before he was breathing normally again, the attack finally beginning to pass.

It took a few minutes, but soon the panic and terror had drained from his system, and he felt relatively normal again. Exhausted, Darren flopped into Chris' arms, laying his head against Chris' chest and feeling eternally grateful as Chris wrapped his arms around Darren, hugging him protectively. 

They were silent for awhile - Darren couldn't be sure how long. Eventually though, he broke the silence with a muffled "Thanks."

Chris hummed, squeezing Darren a little tighter before he pulled back to look down at him. "You okay?" 

"I am now," Darren responded softly, moving to look at Chris though he had trouble meeting his gaze. "I guess I should probably explain..."

"You don't have to," Chris cut in quickly. "You had an anxiety attack, right?"

Darren nodded, a bit surprised that Chris had hit the nail on the head, though in retrospect he probably shouldn't have been since he seemed to know exactly what to do in that situation. "I used to get them all the time in high school, and every once in a while I still do," Chris told him by way of explanation. "I know what they look like."

"Oh," Darren answered dumbly. He didn't know how to express how much better that made him feel - the fact that he and Chris shared this thing, this _ailment_ , and Chris knew exactly what Darren had been feeling without him trying to explain or legitimize it... It was deeply comforting, and made him feel so much less alone than he had been feeling prior to this revelation. 

"Is there something that triggered it specifically?" Chris asked him gently. "I know mine are usually set off when I'm in a crowded room full of people I don't know... Did something happen that you wanted to talk about, or...?"

Darren took a moment to consider how he wanted to answer Chris’s question. On the one hand, he could be honest and tell Chris what had really been bothering him, but there was no point in even starting that conversation because he knew Chris wasn’t going to like where it ended. Instead, he settled on a half-truth. “Uh, no. Sometimes they just happen out of nowhere without warning and for no reason at all.” It wasn’t a total lie, because that did happen sometimes… even though it hadn’t been the case today.

“I gotcha, that happens to me sometimes, too,” Chris reassured. “Do you still wanna watch that movie?”

Darren nodded, feeling extremely vulnerable as he asked shyly, “Do you think you could… hold me during it, please?”

Chris smiled at him, his lips quirking up and eyes going soft. “Of course, Dare.”

Darren hardly watched the movie, lost in thought the entire time before finally working himself into a mental exhaustion, falling dead asleep within a few hours, still nestled in Chris’s arms and trying to savor every last second of it.

\--

Darren woke up early the next morning, too early it seemed, as the light outside was a soft blue, the sun just barely beginning to come up. It made sense - he’d fallen asleep around eight last night and hadn’t woken up once. He didn’t know if Chris had gone to bed around the same time, but he was still wrapped around him from behind in the same way he’d been before Darren had fallen asleep, so perhaps he had.

Darren slowly turned in his arms, trying to get a good look at Chris without waking him up. He stirred slightly, but did not wake and simply squeezed Darren tightly, nuzzling into his hair. Unable to see Chris' face in this position, he simply burrowed into his chest, knowing today was possibly the last day in a very long time (or ever) that he’d wake up like this.

He lay there like that for a while - too long, and he became restless very quickly. Not wanting to wake Chris up at such an early hour, he slowly shuffled out of his tight embrace and went into the bathroom for a shower.

When he reentered the room, Chris was still sound asleep.

Welp. The only thing left to do now was pack.

So he did, quietly moving about the place, taking his time in putting all of his belongings back into his bag, scattered as they were around the apartment. His contact solution, a wayward pair of underwear that he’d forgotten to pick up after a night of sex, his toothbrush and razor in the bathroom - each item holding a memory of Chris stubbornly attached to it. He couldn’t believe he was doing this.

When Darren came back into the bedroom, Chris was sitting up in bed and staring at the duffle bag that he’d left on his side of the bed. “What’s that?” he asked, voice low.

Darren’s stomach dropped - the moment he’d been dreading was finally here. Well, he figured it was best to just rip off the metaphorical bandaid and get it over with. “I figured I'd get a head start on packing.”

“You’re… really leaving?”

Darren swallowed, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose as he stood frozen on the spot. “Yeah.”

Chris’s neutral expression didn’t change, though he never broke their eye contact. “Darren, I- I was hoping you’d… I was hoping you’d stay here? With me?”

Tears sprang to Darren’s eyes unbidden. “Chris, I can’t.”

Finally, Chris’s features twisted. “What do you mean you can’t?”

“I just can’t. I told you, I’m going to Michigan.”

“So has this past week really meant nothing to you at all, then?”

“Of course it has...” Darren trailed off, not really having much more to say than that. How could he explain himself to Chris in a way he’d understand? He couldn’t. It was impossible.

“Are you sure? Because from where I’m sitting, you really couldn’t give less a shit about me if you’re willing to just move nine hours away without so much as a discussion about it first.”

“You don’t get it, Chris. You wouldn’t understand.”

That was definitely the wrong thing to say. Chris slammed his fist down on the bed, voice much louder and more furious when he spoke again. “I wouldn’t understand? Seriously?!” He was borderline yelling now. “I think I’ve proven that I’m able to understand you pretty well over the past few days, Darren. If fact, throughout our entire friendship I’ve done nothing but try to understand you. I’ve always been there for you! How could this be any different?” 

Darren’s heart broke in half when heavy tears began to form in Chris’s eyes. “How am I supposed to be able to understand if you don’t try to explain it to me?”

Darren was shaking now, mind reeling. He hated this. He hated himself for hurting the one person he loved more than anything in the world, hated that this fact scared the living shit out of him, and hated that Chris didn’t understand that _that’s_ why he couldn’t stay. 

Unfortunately, he wasn’t sure he could put any of that into words. “I’m sorry, Chris.” It was all he could manage.

“Please, Darren? I don’t want to beg but… we have something real here, right?”

They did. And that was the problem. “Of course we do.”

“Then stay, Darren,” Chris’s voice broke at the end of his sentence, unable to keep the tears at bay any longer. “Just please don’t leave me.”

Darren stood rooted to his spot, speechless. 

“You know what, Darren? I get it.” Chris’s voice was sharper now, angrier with every word despite the tears that were now rolling down his cheeks. “I was nothing more than a fucktoy you were keeping around so you could waste some more time. That’s fine. Go to Michigan. Hope you have a fucking blast doing whatever mediocre thing it is you plan on doing there when you could be so much more if you’d just let yourself try.” Chris wiped the tears away from his face, his features displaying nothing but fury as he looked away. “But when you do? Leave me out of it and don’t ever fucking talk to me again.” Chris flopped back into the bed, pulling the covers up over his head with an angry huff, making it clear he was done with their conversation. 

Darren had almost completely shut down at the outburst; he didn’t know how to deal with it when people were yelling at him and he was such a mess of emotions at the moment that he wanted nothing more than to run. But he also wanted Chris more than he’d ever wanted anyone or anything else in the world. How the was he supposed to make Chris understand that he was absolutely terrified?

Before he could even try to speak, Chris mumbled something from under his covers. “You should leave now.”

So Darren did. He took his bag and he left.


	14. Chapter 14

All things considered, Darren’s gig in Michigan was pretty great. 

He bartended five nights a week a week at a popular bar just off campus, and on the sixth night he was allowed to play his sets. The money was incredible, and after a month of living there, he’d managed to save up enough to live pretty decently when Lauren finally graduated and they made their move to Chicago. 

The only problem was that he was absolutely miserable.

He was more depressed than he’d ever been in his life, but this was a different kind of depression that he’d never experienced before. This was heartbreak. Pure, agonizing, life-shattering heartbreak.

It almost sounded dramatic from an objective point of view. But Darren didn’t know how else to describe what was happening to him. He couldn’t eat, he barely slept. Despite the fact that some of his oldest and dearest friends were constantly surrounding him, he still felt alone. He felt hollow, like a piece of him was missing, and Darren didn’t pretend to not know why.

Because he was this biggest fucking idiot in the entire world. He’d given up Chris - Chris, who was the best thing that had ever happened to him in his whole life. Chris, who cared for him and understood him in so many intimate ways. Chris, who never judged him on the basis of his past or even his present. Chris who he loved, and who might have even loved him back.

He’d ruined it all because he’d been afraid, and now he had to live with the consequences.

His friends were worried about him, he knew. He was constantly being told that he was losing weight, that he looked sick or tired. Darren wasn’t surprised that his outsides were matching his insides these days. To top it off, his anxiety had never been worse. He was having attacks almost every other day, and Lauren was begging him to see someone - a therapist, a doctor, anyone. He was scaring her and he knew it. And even though he told her he was going to take care of it, it was really only a way to get her off his back. He didn’t think Lauren was dumb enough to believe him, so if she kept a closer-than-usual eye on him, the least he could do was allow it.

The only highlight of his week was when he got to play his music at the bar - this, at least, was a kind of therapy that he didn’t have to pay for. Pouring out all of his emotions into the chords and the lyrics - some of which he wrote, some written by others, almost all of them dedicated to Chris - it was soothing.

The owner of the bar had pulled him aside one night, lightly chastising him and telling him he was starting to depress the patrons. So Darren added a Disney song into his setlist for the next night, but it was half-hearted and nowhere near as upbeat as it would have been when he’d played it in the past.

There was a part of him - a very small, naive part of him, that hoped that maybe one night Chris would show up. That one night Darren would look up from his guitar and see him, listening to the words he’d written, finally being able to explain how he felt even if it was only in song. Darren knew this was a stupid and unrealistic hope. But still, he could dream, and sometimes it was the only thing that got him through.

“Darren, I can’t take this anymore,” Lauren told him one night when she'd come home to him just laying on the couch and staring at a TV that wasn’t even on. “Can you please just call Chris and fix this thing?”

Darren had told Lauren everything, of course he had. He’d been a wreck that night when she picked him up at the airport, having realized too late that he’d made a mistake he couldn’t take back.

"It's not that simple, Laur," he told her as she sat down beside him on the couch. "He's never going to forgive me. I hurt him too badly."

She sighed, placing her hand on his bicep and rubbing gently. "You never know unless you try."

Darren shook his head morosely. They were quiet for a few moments. "When was the last time you had something to eat?"

Darren shrugged. He honestly couldn't remember. 

"My god, Darren!” she scolded him, sounding alarmed. “This isn't healthy. You need to do something about this or you're going to really hurt yourself."

That finally ignited a reaction in him. "And what exactly would you like me to do?!" he exclaimed, bolting upright. "I fucked up. Chris is gone forever and I have no one to blame but myself. He gave me a choice and I chickened out and he hasn't tried to contact me in an entire month so clearly he wants nothing to do with me. It's over, and the sooner I accept that the better."

"But you're not accepting it!" She argued, standing up off the couch to face him. "You said yourself, it's been a month, and what's changed? You're basically getting worse every day and I can’t just sit around and watch it anymore."

"Well, what do you want me to do?"

"I want you to see someone - a doctor or a therapist or someone. But first I want you to see Chris."

Darren felt his eyes practically bug out of his head. "And how do you suppose I do that?!"

"When's the next day you have off from work?"

"...Tuesday."

"Pack your shit. On Monday night I'm driving you over there and you're going to get some closure."

Darren scoffed, not taking her seriously for even a second. "Okay, Lauren. You're really just gonna drop everything so you can take me on a nine hour drive to New York where Chris will inevitably slam the door in my face and we'll have to turn right back around? Sounds like a whole lot of fun."

She huffed, frustrated. After a moment, "I'll get us a hotel and we can stay the night either way.” And then, she added with a smirk, “But something tells me you won't be with me on the car ride home.”

Darren rolled his eyes. "You're out of your mind. Or just way too overly optimistic but… they’re the same thing."

Lauren's eyes went soft, moving to sit beside him on the couch again. "Listen, Dare. Even if Chris doesn't want to take you back, you and I both know New York is where you really belong. You love it there. Do you really want to be stuck hanging around in shitty dive bars for the rest of your life when you could be doing something you're actually passionate about?"

Darren knew she was right. He didn't belong here, or in LA or even Chicago. He belonged in New York. He belonged in a theater. Not behind a camera or at a bar pouring beers for strangers every night. He needed to be on stage - singing, dancing, acting and maybe even writing his own shows and music. Theater had always been his one, true passion and that was no secret to anyone who knew Darren. Even Chris had told him that that's what he should be doing.

Still, he remained stubborn. "I can do theater in Chicago."

"We all know that fluffy head of yours has bigger dreams than that. You want to be on Broadway someday."

Fuck Lauren for knowing him so well.

"Just come with me,” she begged. “I'll stay until Tuesday night and if you really want to come home with me then you can. But just... Give yourself the chance? I mean really, what do you have to lose?"

The answer was nothing, and that was exactly the problem.

"Fine," he relented. "I'll go. But only because I don't have the energy to argue with you any more," he whimpered, eyes slipping shut.

"That's probably because you haven't eaten yet today, am I right?"

Darren just looked at her, feeling irritated by her incessant mothering but simultaneously being so, so grateful for it.

"That's what I thought," she said knowingly, standing up once more. "I'm ordering us a pizza and then you're going to start packing, got it?"

"Yes ma'am," Darren groaned sarcastically, trying to let his grumpiness seep into every word.

And even though he truly had no intentions of staying in New York, even though he knew Chris would never take him back, Darren still packed every last bit of his belongings to take with him that night.

You know. Simply to prove a point, of course.


	15. Chapter 15

Lauren did not go back on her word, just as Darren knew she wouldn’t. They drove straight on through the night, Lauren’s comforting presence keeping most of Darren’s anxiety at bay as they swapped between singing loudly along with their various playlists and simply talking, the conversation light and easy. When it was quiet, Darren insisted that he take a turn driving but Lauren refused each time, telling him she didn’t trust him not to turn the car around.

Then again, it was probably for the best. Darren didn’t trust himself not to do that, either.

He knew Lauren was right, no matter how much he hated to admit it. Even if Chris never wanted to see him again, even if he screamed at him until his voice was hoarse, even if he really did get the door slammed in his face - at least Darren would know. In the end, if Chris gave him the chance, he wanted to at least explain himself. And even if Chris didn’t understand, at least Darren will have been able to say all he needed to say. At least this way, he could get some closure, and hopefully move on.

And deep in his heart, he also knew that he really did belong in New York. He’d known that since he stepped foot in the city that first night when he took his walk alone and away from Chris. He couldn’t blame it on the high of being in love because Chris hadn’t even been there - that simple walk through the streets of New York at midnight had proven to him that the city was and always would be his home, and whether or not Chris wanted to be with him or not, it was where he needed to stay.

And shockingly, although thinking about all of this still scared the living shit out of him, for once it didn’t make him want to run. He’d learned something over the past month in Michigan - that running away from your problems doesn’t solve them, it only makes them worse. And that sometimes facing things that terrify you head on is easier than avoiding them. He just wish he’d known that before he left.

Weary and stumbling, they checked into their hotel and even though Darren was bone-tired and needed sleep badly, he still wanted nothing more than to take a walk through the streets and grab pizza or maybe just sit on a bench and watch the night time hustle of the city as it swirled around him, alive as ever even in the middle of the night.

And that? Well, it told him all he needed to know. He was right where he belonged.

\--

Darren hadn’t been exactly sure how he wanted his conversation with Chris to go. He didn’t have a speech planned, no grand gesture in mind - he didn’t even buy a bouquet of roses for god’s sake and isn’t that what every romantic comedy told him him he should have done? Either way, the next morning he was standing in front of Chris’s apartment building, shivering slightly in the cool fall air, admittedly stalling on taking his first step inside.

He received a text. “ _I’m not leaving until I see you go in, so you better get a move on, bud _.” It was from Lauren, who had insisted on following him to Chris’s place, ensuring he actually went through with the plan, which admittedly he was having second thoughts on. But there was no turning back now. Time to get this over with.__

__Darren walked into the building, nodding at the now familiar face at the front desk who didn’t stop him since he’d been in the building so often. Taking the elevator, he didn’t even hesitate as he strode up to Chris’s door and knocked._ _

__It took a minute before there was any sound in the apartment at all, and for a second Darren feared that maybe Chris wasn’t home. But soon enough, the handle was jiggling and the door pulling back to reveal Chris, just as gorgeous and perfect as Darren had remembered._ _

__Chris’s features quickly twisted into surprise at the sight of him which was admittedly better than the fury he was worried he’d see instead. Still, it was unclear as to whether the surprise on his face was positive or negative. “Darren?”_ _

__“I love you,” Darren told him before he lost the nerve. “I love you, okay? That’s why I left before. I was scared, I was fucking terrified of how much I love you, Chris.” Darren was stuttering and his voice was shaking but he didn’t stop speaking. He needed to get this out. “I’ve… I’ve never felt this way about anyone before in my life and I didn’t know how to deal with it because I’ve seen what love can do to people. But... I’m not afraid anymore. Not of you, and certainly not of myself. I just… I’m sorry. I’m so, so fucking sorry and I want to try again, if you’ll let me maybe?”_ _

__It took until he was finished speaking for Darren to realize he was crying a little. He took a steadying breath, trying to calm himself down as he waited for Chris to respond, or react in any way. His expression was unreadable, his eyes blank for a beat too long until finally, his face crumbled. He flung himself at Darren, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and burying his face in Darren’s neck. “Fuck, Darren. I love you, too. I love you so much.”_ _

__Relief flooded Darren’s entire body, and he sagged into Chris’s embrace, wrapping his arms around his waist and holding on tight. “I’m sorry,” Chris whimpered. “I’m sorry, too. You told me how you felt about relationships. I shouldn’t have yelled at you, I should’ve listened. I’m so, so sorry.”_ _

__“Shh,” Darren whispered, surprised to find that he was the one comforting a crying, apologetic Chris when he thought for sure that their roles would have been revered. “You have nothing to be sorry for, it’s okay.”_ _

__“Shit, Darren,” Chris whined, hugging him even tighter than before. “You have no idea how many times I booked and canceled a flight to Michigan. I thought you hated me.”_ _

__“Hated you?” Now Darren was shocked. “I could never. Why would you think that?”_ _

__Chris sighed, finally pulling away to look down at Darren, his eyes red and shiny but just as beautiful as they’d always been. “Do you want to come in and talk?”_ _

__Darren did. He sat down in Chris’s living room, happy to find he’d finally acquired a couch, and they talked. They talked for a long time. Darren told Chris that he had let his fears get the best of him, and that he was thinking of going to find someone to talk to - a professional who could help him sort out the damage done to him by his past, and find coping mechanisms so things like this didn’t continue to happen in the future. He explained that he’d known he’d loved Chris for a long time, even before they got to New York, but was too scared to admit it._ _

__Chris listened, and when it was his turn, he too admitted that he’d been in love with Darren for a long time, but was never quite sure how Darren felt, so he never admitted it, either. He explained that he’d felt abandoned when Darren had decided to leave, had felt like the fear that Darren didn’t love him back had only been confirmed. He explained that after he’d gotten a chance to think about it, that he should have been more sensitive to Darren after what he had told him, and especially due to that fact that he’d had a panic attack the night before. Chris said he felt absolutely terrible, but had been waiting for Darren to make the first move in talking to him again. Apparently, they had both been waiting for each other._ _

__But they didn’t have to wait anymore. They’d never have to wait for each other again._ _

__\--_ _

__THREE WEEKS LATER_ _

__“Hey babe, I’m home!” Darren called into the quiet apartment. It was dark save for the bright light coming coming from their tiny kitchen. “In here!” Chris’s voice answered almost immediately._ _

__Darren followed the delicious smell of his favorite food, something Chris had promised to do for him so he’d have something to look forward to when he came home. Pfft. As if coming home to Chris wasn’t enough to look forward to._ _

__Chris met him at door, giving him a quick peck on the lips before pulling back, eyes wide and expectant. “So? How’d it go?”_ _

__“It went… okay. It went well, even.” Darren let out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding, feeling utterly drained as he thought back to his session, but optimistic overall._ _

__After some research and deliberation, they had each decided that Darren should see a psychologist - a therapist who would be able to give him an official diagnosis and treat him with therapy, and even refer him to a colleague for a prescription for anxiety medication if he decided it was something that was right for him. At the end of the day, however, Darren was sure he’d made the right choice. He really liked her, his psychologist, and even though it had only been his first appointment, he’d managed to relay quite a bit of his past, and even a few of the burdens of his present. Despite the fact that it had been mentally and emotionally draining, he actually felt lighter now, knowing he was in the capable hands of someone who had been trained to help him in whatever way he’d need._ _

__“That’s great, baby. I’m so happy for you,” Chris pulled him in for a warm hug, and Darren nuzzled close, body relaxing for the first time all day._ _

__“She even said you could come to a few appointments, if that’s something you’d want to do?” Darren asked, almost tentatively even though he knew Chris wouldn’t say no to him._ _

__“Of course. Anything you need, Dare,” Chris smiled. “Now let me get back to cooking so you can get into bed at a decent time tonight. You’re going to need as much rest as you can get for that audition tomorrow.”_ _

__It was true. Darren was auditioning for an off-Broadway play tomorrow, thanks to a few Michigan connections he’d managed to get back in touch with. It wasn’t a musical, and it certainly wasn’t Broadway, but it was a start, and Darren was so completely, beyond thrilled._ _

__Apparently, that fact was showing pretty clearly on his face at the moment. “What’s so funny?” Chris asked him._ _

__Darren shook his head. “I’m not laughing, I’m smiling.” Darren walked up behind his boyfriend, pressing a quick kiss to his neck as he mixed around their stir-fry. “I’m just really, really happy right now, Chris. Like, the most genuinely happy I think I’ve ever been in my life.”_ _

__Chris turned to him, leaving their dinner momentarily forgotten as he smiled down at him. “I’m glad, Darren. That’s all I ever wanted for you.”_ _

__And Darren had meant it. His life wasn’t perfect - it was never going to be. But he was happy. He really, really was._ _

__And with Chris around? He knew it would only get better from here on out._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we have it. If you guys liked it, please take a moment to leave a comment and let me know. I was sort of self-conscious with this fic and I really wanna know what everyone thought!!
> 
> Hope you enjoyed (:


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